cause I dont want to share this.. and this is a moment when I wish this space on the web was anonymous and private... but i know its not.
i stopped taking my happy pills and the intensity of my thoughts has returned. Im not sure if this is good or bad. I find myself wanting to have long intimate conversations. It's like an attic or a basement has been reopened in my psyche and some of the things that have returned to me are treasures and i treasured them... and then there are cobwebs and some junk that needs to be thrown away...
So, do i keep the attic open or close the door and return to a balanced state..
im not sure. im certainly not sure.
I feel like a terrible person.. but I have to get this out.
The economy sucks and because of this I've taken my hits monetarily... but I am blessed. I have enough to make ends meet and not have to worry that much.. but I can't do all the things I wanna do and save as much as I want to save and do all of that good stuff..
Sooooo when I am at the grocery store behind people with WIC or foodstamps..
When I hear on the radio about programs where people can get a cellphone for free...
When I hear about programs where people can get low cost computers and internet...
It sends me to a dark place.. a dark place that i am not proud of.. that I am trying to stop myself from going to... it makes me feel like a damn republican. and I dont like that at all... But the libraries aren't open on Sunday, I haven;t gotten a cost of living increase in YEARS... I have furlough days.. meanwhile rent is going up, gas is going up.. food goes up... I could use a foodstamp. but I am grateful that these foodstamps are there for the children because it is criminal for them to go hungry...
convoluted yes.. but my emotions and my thoughts about all of this are all over the place... i'm getting them to the right side... i promise.
Sooooo when I am at the grocery store behind people with WIC or foodstamps..
When I hear on the radio about programs where people can get a cellphone for free...
When I hear about programs where people can get low cost computers and internet...
It sends me to a dark place.. a dark place that i am not proud of.. that I am trying to stop myself from going to... it makes me feel like a damn republican. and I dont like that at all... But the libraries aren't open on Sunday, I haven;t gotten a cost of living increase in YEARS... I have furlough days.. meanwhile rent is going up, gas is going up.. food goes up... I could use a foodstamp. but I am grateful that these foodstamps are there for the children because it is criminal for them to go hungry...
convoluted yes.. but my emotions and my thoughts about all of this are all over the place... i'm getting them to the right side... i promise.
