...

Sometimes I don't want to talk to anyone.. I don't mean communicate. I mean talk. I literally don't want to open my mouth and have to say words. It's the weirdest thing.. we can text, gchat, email, facebook.. tweet.. hell write notes back and forth.. but I just dont have the energy to talk to you or listen... maybe my auditory system is just in overload and needs a break... anyone else ever feel this way?

Dating Woes

Ha... This has been the past 3 weeks.   And yes Ms. Smith. I am done complaining about being single.   Here are some notable moments... 

1.  "I have to push it back, I forgot Dell was coming over to fix my labtop." 

2.  " I guess I should put on some deodorant.. I usually don't wear it because it clogs my pores." 

3. While dressed in footie pajamas with a teddy bear at a Halloween party at a club... "I'm dressed as my inner child." 

4. We order the same thing..the bill is 14.69.... I place down my card.. you give me 7 dollars. 

5. Halloween party invite.."We will provide the food.. Bring a case, bring a bottle ect. Do not come empty handed." 

6. Me: "What are your thoughts on Occupy Atlanta."   You:  "Never heard of it." 

7. "You can't disappear when I need your help with my Algebra class. It's the last class I have to take to finish my associates degree." 

8. "I'm fighting the urge to be a hoarder. I have to force myself to throw things away." 

ICK!

This picture is so disturbing to me... there is nothing sweet or endearing or beautiful about this to me... I feel bad.. but I think of piglets from a litter...ick

First Date

I went on a date with a girl who is super cute and super smart and super all around.  We drank, we ate, we talked... we gossiped and we laughed... it was great.. I havent been on a date in a long time...  and it was refreshing to have SUCH a good time :-)  And I'm going to see her again on Saturday :-)

Long Term

I gotta keep my focus on the long term goals. I get caught up in spur of the moment shit and then miss the fact that is fucking up my long term shit.   I just gotta get it together. I gotta focus on what I want next week, not the next minute....And being careless and fancy free has it's place, but I gotta make some different choices so that I am not saddled with the annoyance of knowing I could prevent the bs had I made different choices.   Keeping focused on my long term goals will  always benefit me more than any short term fun. It'll help me focus on my priorities and get where I want to be. :-)

First (and last) time for everything

FROM THE CRATES: 10/10/08... 




On Friday, a friend was in town and she called me to get together.  Where are we going? I thought.. ATL has some of the finest clubs in the country, surely we will be hitting up some hot shit.  Apparently, not.. I was accompanying her to a trip to Follies, on Buford Highway.   Follies? Hmmm.  Yes, it was a strip club.  So, because she is my homie from way back, before I had degrees and shit, I am definitely going to go.  I'd prolly go anywhere to kick it with her, and a strip club could prove interesting.   

As I'm getting dressed, I'm thinking of what to wear, and I end up throwing on a t-shirt and jeans cause I mean.. like anyone will be looking at me anyway.  On the ride over, I'm thinking about all of the TV footage I've seen of strip clubs, from music videos to movies, and all I can think is it might not be so bad to see some chics with bad ass bodies, taking off their little costumes and swinging up and down poles.  This might be titillating to say the least.   

When I arrive, there is a valet (wtf). Why does Atlanta have to make everything a damn cottage industry?  I can park my own f-in car. I have a license.  But whatever.. So I pull up and he says.. "Uh, you got a male escort?  Cause I doubt they gone let you in if you aint got a male escort."  How sexist is that? Like I couldn't of my own volition want to see some sexy ladies? Whatever. I tell him I got a friend inside, he commands me to call him if I want any chance to get in. So I call my homie, she comes out with one of the male friends that dragged her there.. and I get into the club.  

I walk through the doors, and immediately think I must have walked in on the set of a BET Uncut video.  I mean its just naked and half naked chics everywhere.. Nothing is sexy, nothing titillating, nothing I wanted anywhere near me. Ever.   Immediately I understood why I couldn't come in with an escort... I might be an escort trying to take some of the change away from these ladies...   Everywhere I look someone has a neon or flourescent costume moved up or down, depending on what the guy was paying to see. There was a huge runway in the middle of the club with three poles on each side and the women there were not in anyway athletic or performers..  It was just ass and titties shaking and bouncing in the face of whatever man had the money.. Maybe the saddest part was that there were so few men there who were offering dollars... so it just seemed...depressing

As my friend and I sat at the bar catching up, we tried our best to not show any judgment in our eyes.. not to look shocked or surprised at the lap dances, half nakedness or obscene booty shaking around us. "Just look like you are enjoying the show."  It's hard not to look at someone with sorrow, when they are trying to make money and no one is paying.. its like being at an open mic, where someone is singing but no one is listening. Just plain embarrassing.  

From the Crates

OMG... the black type was in the blog drafts from 2009... Let me just be glad I am not this person anymore.  

                   My mom told me don't give too much of yourself or you will be taken for granted. Hold something   back so that you don't give it all away. I don't know a gray area where just a little can show, while the rest is hidden away. I don't know a place where only a bit of my vulnerability will show. I wish I knew how. I wish I didn't want to fall so deep into a safety net and I could carry myself. I wish I wasn't so afraid to brave the inner parts of my soul so much that I needed someone else. I wish I could bust the windows out of the car and walk away with anger and rage. Instead, I sit thinking of the shame. The little part of me that wants so much to make things right, but i know doing so would make me lose myself. I know that it's all about me because I have the pain so deep that I looked to you to heal. I wish I was able to face those demons earlier, because maybe... no there are no more what ifs. It's over and it's done. The doors and windows are closed. I don't think I could live with me allowing you to treat me the way you did. When I thought I was a priority, I wasn't. But I can be my priority. I will be my priority and keep on moving. Keep on being me, fully and without any shame. I wish there was somewhere else I could place the blame. Because I want to keep on loving you...but our definition of love is two different things. i'll accept that it's over, and let you off the hook. I wish I was writing shiny new pages, instead of being forced to close another chapter in this book.

Actually, I am soooo glad I closed that damn book and donated to the goodwill, so someone else could give it a good home... I'm so grateful for the lesson I learned and for the person I was able to become being just who I am.. I am soooooo glad that I got to be me cause I am sooo awesome and would never have been able to do that with your judgment and condemnation and your dishonesty.. So thank you.. and thank you too :-) Cause I'm feeling great... and you weren't that great in bed anyway :-)

Things that Should have Died by Now...

There are several fads that should have died by now... but, somehow, they still manage to be a part of our daily lives. They creep up on us when we are unsuspecting.. as we go through the minutia of our daily business. Like a flash of light, a thunderbolt in the sky, the remind us how no matter how hard we try to fight it... we cannot escape the bigness of popularity.

1. Cornrows on grown ass men:


2. Way too personal facebook/gchat/social media statuses

Real Example: Listen M'FER INTERNET CHEATING IS STILL CHEATING!!!!!!

Really? do we really need to know your husband is cheating on you with some broad from the internet.. and that he's disputing that it's really cheating, cause his sex text (fb messages) weren't really that serious?? I mean C'MON... Save yourself the embarrassment and keep your pride... We aren't interested... and I'm just laughing at you and then Hiding you cause I dont need that kinda drama in my life!

Curiosity killed the cat..

My natural curiosity leads me to wonder why most things are the way they are, from the flowers blooming to how hurricanes form, to whether animals get as lazy during rain as most humans do. 

I also ask Why a lot when it comes to people acting the way they do... as if the Why will change the I'm pissed portion..

Well I'm done with that... I am going to control my brain to no longer entertain questions of why... Why was she funny acting? Why doesn't she speak?  Why can't she be courteous and call? Why is she such a bitch?  Why does she say one thing and do another? 

Why? Why? Why?   That question is dead to me.. The next question is... What am I gonna do about it?   If the answer is nothing.. keep it moving.. on the next one... if its something.. then make that happen.. but the why is foolywang.. and I'm over it! 

29 part 1

I had to thank my mom the other day for having insanity be something that was foreign to me as a kid. Growing up my mom said what she meant and meant what she said. If we were going to leave at 7 it was 7. If I was on punishment for 3 weeks.. no less than 21 days would I suffer. It was an unfortunate reality in some ways.. cause I meant that unlike the kids on TV, or in the desks next to me at school, I was never going to be let off any hook.

But it also meant that my birthday parties always happened, I got new shoes and clothes as scheduled and I was rarely left to know that disappointment was a reality... It makes sense that as an adult the one emotion I have struggled with the most has been disappointment... Well I finally found the cure for it...

Cussing bitches out...

I have decided that in, this, my 29th year, I am going to just go off on hoes... If you do me wrong.. you'll hear it clearly and you'll know.

I'ma just let you know how trifling I think you are, how stank your attitude is...and how wack you are so that we can then just keep it moving...   either you'll be with me or not

If you dont wanna make the proper adjustments then roll out.. I got 99 problems and a friend aint gonna be one.. I'll take drama from my girl, i'll even deal with that shit from my mama, or my family... but somebody else? hell to the naw..

In the words of Martin.. Get to steppin!

I dont want to blog this

cause I dont want to share this.. and this is a moment when I wish this space on the web was anonymous and private... but i know its not.

i stopped taking my happy pills and the intensity of my thoughts has returned. Im not sure if this is good or bad. I find myself wanting to have long intimate conversations. It's like an attic or a basement has been reopened in my psyche and some of the things that have returned to me are treasures and i treasured them... and then there are cobwebs and some junk that needs to be thrown away...

So, do i keep the attic open or close the door and return to a balanced state..

im not sure. im certainly not sure.

I feel like a terrible person.. but I have to get this out.

The economy sucks and because of this I've taken my hits monetarily... but I am blessed.  I have enough to make ends meet and not have to worry that much.. but I can't do all the things I wanna do and save as much as I want to save and do all of that good stuff..

Sooooo when I am at the grocery store behind people with WIC or foodstamps..
When I hear on the radio about programs where people can get a cellphone for free...
When I hear about programs where people can get low cost computers and internet...

It sends me to a dark place.. a dark place that i am not proud of.. that I am trying to stop myself from going to... it makes me feel like a damn republican.  and I dont like that at all...  But the libraries aren't open on Sunday, I haven;t gotten a cost of living increase in YEARS... I have furlough days.. meanwhile rent is going up, gas is going up.. food goes up...  I could use a foodstamp.  but I am grateful that these foodstamps are there for the children because it is criminal for them to go hungry...

convoluted yes.. but my emotions and my thoughts about all of this are all over the place... i'm getting them to the right side... i promise.

Skin and Bones

mmmhmmmmmm sooo everyone is into thick chics with a fat ass and thighs and all that shit... but I must admit.. i'm into that sexy girl with hip bones and a sexy sternum LMAO. a hard stomach mmmmhmmmmm  YES!  and i had my hands all over one last night.. get it Spidey. get it! :-) 

Quote of day:

"You could be partaking in your demonic influences..having sex with women...."

LMAO

I.  LOVE.  MY. FRIENDS!

Dizzy Gillespie

I love this picture. That is all :-)   Reminds me of Dizzy Gillespie and how amazing he was and how in awe I was watching him on the cosby show.

Ahhh I love Stephen King!

Words to Live By

All you need is already within you, only you must approach yourself with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors…all I plead with you is this: make love of yourself perfect.
— Sri Nisargadatta

Meghan Markle

She is so super cute.. omg she is on the new show Suits on USA or TBS or TNT or whatever... and she's just soooo cute.

And she went to Northwestern University AND she used to work for the US Embassy in some random country... and yeah.. she's just the bees knees!

dayum

Im in love with a girl who doesnt want to love me.  I mean we're friends and all my friends hate her for how she acts and I want to.  I want to hate her... but I love her.  So i'm trying to love her and love me and let my actions choose me first.  Ive never had to dabble in unrequited love before. It sucks. balls.  Here's to me never having to do it again.

Summer Summer Summer Time

Summertime.. I am all about it.  I have done 13 days of p90x.  I have kicked it at a couple of clubs.. been to the pool, made some important decisions... now in the next 8 days before i head out of town I got TONS of shit to do.. cause alot of what i've been doing so far is sleeping and watching tv LOL 

I'ma do it... i'ma do it... get car done.. get eyes together... Smile big.  Make drs appts. meet some new people.  Enjoy life. :-)

My summer mantra... I'm doing everything that's fun. believe that!

2 Week Experiment.

I'm trying something new... i will not discuss it until the experiment is over... updates coming... holla at me in 2 weeks cause I will probably forget...  definitely

Bizarro Dreams

So I had this dream the other day that I was getting married and I was looking around and my father wasn't there and so I went ahead and got married anyway... My mom asked what was wrong and I told her Dad wasnt there and then she said.. oh, I didnt know you had invited him..and I said, yeah I did... She said oh, i'm sorry honey..

Next day, we are having a brunch and he strolls in in a nice summer suit, I must say, with a woman behind him.. I couldn't see her.  I noticed that my Dad looked really good.. and he came with all smiles and hugged me.. and I said, where were you yesterday?  and he said... Oh, well I figured since I'd see you here, I didnt need to come yesterday.. I'm here now babe.. You look great.

So I slapped him... he said more.. and I slapped the shit out of him again...

then I woke up from the force of the slap.

I mulled over this for a few days.. I'll tell you how I resolved it in the next post... 


ahhh, YUP, cliffhanger bitches!!!!  Keep my readers coming back ;-)

p90x

I am on p90x day 3.  It's insane!!! but I love it.. my body doesnt hurt as much as i thought it would... and I can already see a difference in my abs.. I've eaten tons of crazy shit in the past two days buuuuut I'm still feeling good.. 

90 days.. well 87 more days and its on :-)  

The Curious Case of Lace Fronts

Why, why, why, black women, must we wear lacefronts?   It does not look nice. It doesnt look beautiful.  You look insane. Your fake hair makes you look fake and in more case curiously more insecure than the confidence you have tried to embody withyour hair flowing down to your thighs. 

When you decide to get those China Doll bangs like Foxy Brown, ala 1996, you look insane too.  When you put the red or blonde in the back you look even more disturbing... and when you pair it with face eyelashes and all kinds of body tattoos... i find you.. hmmm depressing? I can't quite think of the word.

And lastly... why must your daughters succumb the same fate. Why does she need to have 20 lbs of hair on her head... and even worse.. you dont even get her a lace front.. you just put tracks in the back of her head... then as her new growth grows out, you send her to school looking worse and worse each day.. her desperately brushing her mane, hoping that with it, she will grow some self esteem..but sadly, but showing her that her hair isnt good enough.. you taught her she isnt either. So she will add layer upon layer of fake hair, fake color, fake padding and fake attitude... hoping someone will notice her... because she doesnt think she is good enough just as she is..

The thing about lace is that its beauty is often betrayed by its delicacy.. What is beautiful at first glance.. then turns into an intricate pattern of holes... that we can all see through... right to the knotted wooden table, or scarred leg that lies underneath.  

Miami

So this trip to miami has elucidated so many things. My love for the water and the waves and the sand and the sun. How wonderful my friends are.  I mean they are so wonderful and amazing that its sickening. That life alwyas works itself out and stress is unnecessary. That love is wonderful and I am blessed to have so many forms of it in my life.   Amen. 

Im thinking i'm giving my power away. Now I get to think about how I am gonna take it back :-)

Love

I'm in love with this girl.  It's foolish and full of tomfoolery.. It's funny and fantastic... its fickle and fancifree. For some reason it feels right where I need to be.    

It makes me think of:

Love is patient, love is kind.. :-)

:-)

I went to go ride the bike at the gym today and as I walked I realized its been a year that i have been single.  And this year has been the best year of my life. It has reconnected me with who I am and what I want, what I need and some habits that I've desperately needed to rid myself of.  I've become more happy, more content, more relaxed and more like the me that I've wanted to be.  I've cut my hair off.. I've completed two bootcamps, and Ive made some great friends.  I've conquered some fears and cultivated a few more.HA. healthy fears. like the fear and awareness that I can't lose myself  in dumbness that doesn't serve me.  I've learned to listen to my heart and my gut and dismiss my fear and insecurities cause they are not the same thing.   I'm happy with my life. I'm happy with myself.  I am just happy.  I must say... I thought that I was a relationship person, but I have learned that a relationship can take many different forms.  Some of them are healthy than others and those may not seems as attractive has the hot passionate ones we often are attracted to. But over the long haul, eating a tasty fresh salad everyday is gonna make me feel better than a bag of fries.  So I'm enjoying the salad. Loving myself enough to do what's right for me.  Realizing some of the most painful moments of my life needed to happen to mold me into who I am now, has put alot into perspective for me.. It allows me to take everything in stride and focus on the journey not the bump in the road.  A year ago, you couldnt have told me that I wasn't gonna be miserable if... I remember even begging to get back together...  womp and womp.  That woman was me, but she is no longer who i am.

Summer things to look forward to:  Rock Climbing...circus arts... swimming laps... hiking in the mountains...   Like Ernee said... We got alot of shit to do this summer... INDEED!!! 

Fave feature

One of my favorite features from my fave magazine Esquire is "out of context excerpt from a letter we aren't going to publish" 

And I am going to share a random quote from a convo you don't know about:

What are you? Some kind of lesbian monster?

Hilarious

Girlcation snowday

So, I've been trying to go on a girlcation but I love women too much. Its harder than giving up candy for lent!!!!!  Omg.  Soo I got a date this week and one during the weekend.  Yes yes yes.   And vday tomorrow :-)  anyone have any sexy ladies they'd like me to meet? Holla!!!!

Starry Night

I painted Starry Night by Van Gogh and it's awesome...  I am going to play trivia on Thursday.. Thinking of doing something fun on Saturday with my gay boys..  I am just trying to do it all. Do it like i'm doing it for TV.

:-) 

love

To a Stranger
by Walt  Whitman

Passing stranger! you do not know 
How longingly I look upon you,
You must be he I was seeking, 
Or she I was seeking 
(It comes to me as a dream)

I have somewhere surely 
Lived a life of joy with you,
All is recall'd as we flit by each other,
Fluid, affectionate, chaste, matured,

You grew up with me, 
Were a boy with me or a girl with me,
I ate with you and slept with you, your body has become 
not yours only nor left my body mine only,

You give me the pleasure of your eyes,
face, flesh as we pass,
You take of my beard, breast, hands,
in return,

I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you 
when I sit alone or wake at night, alone 
I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again

 I am to see to it that I do not lose you.

For Each Ecstatic Instant by Emily  Dickinson For each ecstatic instant We must an anguish pay. In keen and quivering ratio To the ecstasy. For each beloved hour Sharp pittances of years, Bitter contested farthings\\ And coffers heaped with tears.

Sonnets from the Portuguese, XIV
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say
'I love her for her smile--her look--her way
Of speaking gently,--for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day
For these things in themselves, Beloved, may
Be changed, or change for thee,--and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry,
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love, thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.

If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday
to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Knowing that I could never find that feeling
with anyone other than you.

- Courtney Kuchta -

problem...

when the only thing we have in common is that we're both really into you...  

Okay

Yo... ive been focusing on the wrong thing and now its time to go back to the right things... sooo I've never done this before.. but I am doing it now.. going on Girl Strike... yeah.. I need a girlcation... They are just taking over too much of my brain space.. and so now i'm going to just focus on me.. working out.. handling business.. and eating right.. and leaving these hussies alone... okay.. I never really messed with hussies before... but ya know.. leaving these women alone.. They gotta go.. out of my brain space and out of my pocket book.. Sure I'll kick it.. sure we can hang out.. but I am officially focusing on my friends and my family and not that other stuff...  And as I focus on the right things... I know the right things will come in my life... thank you thank you thank you... :-) 

Affirmation: I am focused on those things in my life that bring me happiness and bring comfort and security. I release everything that brings feelings of insecurity, discomfort, or fear.  My thoughts will make my life bigger and fuller than ever before. :-)

Snow Day

I learned a lot about myself through my Snow Week.

1. I could never work from home.
2. I should probably never be a stay at home mom.
3. I kinda dig hanging out with myself cause I'm pretty awesome.


but I think the biggest take away was something that just came to me like a lightbulb moment. I was sitting there and I was thinking... and and the thought popped into my head.. "I want a dad."  In a lot of ways I feel like I've never had a dad. I feel like it's a relationship I never got to have. It's hard because when I was a kid I always thought I could patch things up with my dad. I thought we'd get to have some deliverance moment where we could talk and see each other eye to eye.  I thought I'd get to be daddy's little girl again, but then in a blink of an eye, your life changes.. and some life changes aren't temporary.. some can't be brought back on track.There are some things that change in a minute but last your whole life time.  I'll never get to see my dad again. I'll never get to remember what he sounds like or smells like or looks like.. I'll never have that.  And I wish I hadn't taken it for granted.  He used to call and I would be so mad... mad that he only called once a week, made that his birthday cards came late. Mad that he would ask me things that I felt like he should know, cause he was my dad and dad's should know where field trips are and what i'm doing.   I remember he came to school late to pick me up and i would just be fuming.  I was mad. I was sad.  I was angry. I was hurt.  I was too young to understand and appreciate anything.   And there is no one to call and talk to or to explain it to because I can't make a new dad, or find one on the street. so I have to mend that hole in my heart by myself. It also makes me think about having my own child and would I be wrong to have a child when there isn't a dad there to do the same things I am mentioning.

Earth shaking Snow Day today kids.    Shrug.

Snow Day Take Away 4:  Michael Jackson, the Experience is so much more fun to watch other people play LOL

New Word

Friendcest:

When one of your friends dates your siblings.... gross.

Illegal in every state where I live.

WOOT WOOT

Tomorrow is a snow day.. I love it.. This is why i started teaching for random days off.. okay that's bs....

but on my snow day I am going to... watch movies,  eat a good breakfast... have fun... read.... and text everyone who is awesome.. ;-)  I might even call a few of them..


:-)      I still llvver her.... she's still the first thing on my mind... but i'm letting it all work itself out... sooo love love llove.