This is what depression feels like

Yesterday, I slept almost all of the day, I woke up at 10:00 because I had to, and went back to sleep at 11:00 until about 1:35 and then back to sleep until 3.  I only woke up because I had to go out last night, but I wanted to sleep the rest of the day away.  I went out last night and felt like a hermit in my shell, until my drink came. I went out but wanted to be home every minute. I woke up early today to cook, and found some calm in that, knowing that it was good for me, but even on this celebratory weekend, I found myself disconnected, all of my feelings on mute.. all of my emotions away. far away. numbness has become my friend.

My depression becomes something that I stifles my energy, and so being on, takes everything out of me, and I just want to be alone.. any buzz of my phone feels like dread, because I dont want to deal with whats on the other end.   I want to be a good partner, and a good friend, but Im trying to be good to me. Ive isolated myself for the past few months, and that's all I want to continue to do but I know it wont make me feel better. but at least it wont make me feel worse.

I sit looking for solace, but I can't find it within myself.  Its all muted, stifled. numb.

End of the year Draft

The end of the school year is a blur. It's tax season for accountants, Valentines day for restaurants, ending with a Black Friday type of revelry on the last day of school.  

It's hard for those outside of the school house to understand the ebbs and flows of a school year. Each day is not the same, each week brings a different vibe. providing crests and valleys that the teachers must deal with. 

The end of the school year means finalizing grades, which means parents will email every week to ensure that their child has every opportunity to get that A or B.  Forget the 35 other weeks of the year when turning in daily homework would have been great. 

It also is the busyness of every single activity known to man. This week we have Field Day, Career Day, a field trip, spring awards ceremony, a couple of concerts and all that leading up to final Exam week.  All coordinated brilliantly with to coincide with the weather getting warmer and Spring Fever peaking in the middle school minds.