Beautiful

So I've had my dating woes and just when you stop looking... there she is.. I met this girl a while ago.. and somehow everything aligned and we've had some great dates and some fun together... some good conversation and some sweet texts... She's out of town and I miss her.. She'll be back and I can't wait to see her.. and she brought me cupcakes. and one was carrot cake... and she just makes me feel like everything is alright.. no stress, no worries, no nothing... just fun.  :)

So I wont say too much but goodness.. when you stop looking.. there it is. :-) 

...

Sometimes I don't want to talk to anyone.. I don't mean communicate. I mean talk. I literally don't want to open my mouth and have to say words. It's the weirdest thing.. we can text, gchat, email, facebook.. tweet.. hell write notes back and forth.. but I just dont have the energy to talk to you or listen... maybe my auditory system is just in overload and needs a break... anyone else ever feel this way?

Dating Woes

Ha... This has been the past 3 weeks.   And yes Ms. Smith. I am done complaining about being single.   Here are some notable moments... 

1.  "I have to push it back, I forgot Dell was coming over to fix my labtop." 

2.  " I guess I should put on some deodorant.. I usually don't wear it because it clogs my pores." 

3. While dressed in footie pajamas with a teddy bear at a Halloween party at a club... "I'm dressed as my inner child." 

4. We order the same thing..the bill is 14.69.... I place down my card.. you give me 7 dollars. 

5. Halloween party invite.."We will provide the food.. Bring a case, bring a bottle ect. Do not come empty handed." 

6. Me: "What are your thoughts on Occupy Atlanta."   You:  "Never heard of it." 

7. "You can't disappear when I need your help with my Algebra class. It's the last class I have to take to finish my associates degree." 

8. "I'm fighting the urge to be a hoarder. I have to force myself to throw things away." 

ICK!

This picture is so disturbing to me... there is nothing sweet or endearing or beautiful about this to me... I feel bad.. but I think of piglets from a litter...ick

First Date

I went on a date with a girl who is super cute and super smart and super all around.  We drank, we ate, we talked... we gossiped and we laughed... it was great.. I havent been on a date in a long time...  and it was refreshing to have SUCH a good time :-)  And I'm going to see her again on Saturday :-)

Long Term

I gotta keep my focus on the long term goals. I get caught up in spur of the moment shit and then miss the fact that is fucking up my long term shit.   I just gotta get it together. I gotta focus on what I want next week, not the next minute....And being careless and fancy free has it's place, but I gotta make some different choices so that I am not saddled with the annoyance of knowing I could prevent the bs had I made different choices.   Keeping focused on my long term goals will  always benefit me more than any short term fun. It'll help me focus on my priorities and get where I want to be. :-)

First (and last) time for everything

FROM THE CRATES: 10/10/08... 




On Friday, a friend was in town and she called me to get together.  Where are we going? I thought.. ATL has some of the finest clubs in the country, surely we will be hitting up some hot shit.  Apparently, not.. I was accompanying her to a trip to Follies, on Buford Highway.   Follies? Hmmm.  Yes, it was a strip club.  So, because she is my homie from way back, before I had degrees and shit, I am definitely going to go.  I'd prolly go anywhere to kick it with her, and a strip club could prove interesting.   

As I'm getting dressed, I'm thinking of what to wear, and I end up throwing on a t-shirt and jeans cause I mean.. like anyone will be looking at me anyway.  On the ride over, I'm thinking about all of the TV footage I've seen of strip clubs, from music videos to movies, and all I can think is it might not be so bad to see some chics with bad ass bodies, taking off their little costumes and swinging up and down poles.  This might be titillating to say the least.   

When I arrive, there is a valet (wtf). Why does Atlanta have to make everything a damn cottage industry?  I can park my own f-in car. I have a license.  But whatever.. So I pull up and he says.. "Uh, you got a male escort?  Cause I doubt they gone let you in if you aint got a male escort."  How sexist is that? Like I couldn't of my own volition want to see some sexy ladies? Whatever. I tell him I got a friend inside, he commands me to call him if I want any chance to get in. So I call my homie, she comes out with one of the male friends that dragged her there.. and I get into the club.  

I walk through the doors, and immediately think I must have walked in on the set of a BET Uncut video.  I mean its just naked and half naked chics everywhere.. Nothing is sexy, nothing titillating, nothing I wanted anywhere near me. Ever.   Immediately I understood why I couldn't come in with an escort... I might be an escort trying to take some of the change away from these ladies...   Everywhere I look someone has a neon or flourescent costume moved up or down, depending on what the guy was paying to see. There was a huge runway in the middle of the club with three poles on each side and the women there were not in anyway athletic or performers..  It was just ass and titties shaking and bouncing in the face of whatever man had the money.. Maybe the saddest part was that there were so few men there who were offering dollars... so it just seemed...depressing

As my friend and I sat at the bar catching up, we tried our best to not show any judgment in our eyes.. not to look shocked or surprised at the lap dances, half nakedness or obscene booty shaking around us. "Just look like you are enjoying the show."  It's hard not to look at someone with sorrow, when they are trying to make money and no one is paying.. its like being at an open mic, where someone is singing but no one is listening. Just plain embarrassing.  

From the Crates

OMG... the black type was in the blog drafts from 2009... Let me just be glad I am not this person anymore.  

                   My mom told me don't give too much of yourself or you will be taken for granted. Hold something   back so that you don't give it all away. I don't know a gray area where just a little can show, while the rest is hidden away. I don't know a place where only a bit of my vulnerability will show. I wish I knew how. I wish I didn't want to fall so deep into a safety net and I could carry myself. I wish I wasn't so afraid to brave the inner parts of my soul so much that I needed someone else. I wish I could bust the windows out of the car and walk away with anger and rage. Instead, I sit thinking of the shame. The little part of me that wants so much to make things right, but i know doing so would make me lose myself. I know that it's all about me because I have the pain so deep that I looked to you to heal. I wish I was able to face those demons earlier, because maybe... no there are no more what ifs. It's over and it's done. The doors and windows are closed. I don't think I could live with me allowing you to treat me the way you did. When I thought I was a priority, I wasn't. But I can be my priority. I will be my priority and keep on moving. Keep on being me, fully and without any shame. I wish there was somewhere else I could place the blame. Because I want to keep on loving you...but our definition of love is two different things. i'll accept that it's over, and let you off the hook. I wish I was writing shiny new pages, instead of being forced to close another chapter in this book.

Actually, I am soooo glad I closed that damn book and donated to the goodwill, so someone else could give it a good home... I'm so grateful for the lesson I learned and for the person I was able to become being just who I am.. I am soooooo glad that I got to be me cause I am sooo awesome and would never have been able to do that with your judgment and condemnation and your dishonesty.. So thank you.. and thank you too :-) Cause I'm feeling great... and you weren't that great in bed anyway :-)