This is what depression feels like

Yesterday, I slept almost all of the day, I woke up at 10:00 because I had to, and went back to sleep at 11:00 until about 1:35 and then back to sleep until 3.  I only woke up because I had to go out last night, but I wanted to sleep the rest of the day away.  I went out last night and felt like a hermit in my shell, until my drink came. I went out but wanted to be home every minute. I woke up early today to cook, and found some calm in that, knowing that it was good for me, but even on this celebratory weekend, I found myself disconnected, all of my feelings on mute.. all of my emotions away. far away. numbness has become my friend.

My depression becomes something that I stifles my energy, and so being on, takes everything out of me, and I just want to be alone.. any buzz of my phone feels like dread, because I dont want to deal with whats on the other end.   I want to be a good partner, and a good friend, but Im trying to be good to me. Ive isolated myself for the past few months, and that's all I want to continue to do but I know it wont make me feel better. but at least it wont make me feel worse.

I sit looking for solace, but I can't find it within myself.  Its all muted, stifled. numb.


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