Nigga Notice

1. You need not have a wedding on a weekday.

Kismet

What is that spark that makes you want to know someone? The smile you share across the room, the eye contact that is a bit too long that makes you wonder where they are from, what they do, what makes them them? It's different from simple attraction or lust. It's something that intrigues and excites, but makes you comfortable not nervous.

Second Chances

Who the hell needs a recap show... Don't punish me.. I've been watching all season. Why do I have to watch this trash when I have been watching it all cycle???? You can do the recap FOLLOWED by a new episode. I can't believe you Tyra. Same thing with Grey's Anatomy last week. What happened to our world where when you missed a show you had to wait 3 months to HOPE to see it in reruns on a holiday week?? There were no encores and you couldnt find it on your favorite cable station so that you could stay abreast. Either tape it or miss it.. say goodbye. But now there are second chances. Maybe that is what life is all about? Appreciating a second chance. A second chance to make it right, to say I'm sorry, to say I love you, to be the bigger person. A second chance to hold your head high and reach the sky, fulfill your dreams.
I want a second chance to do all of that, but I don't want a second chance to watch a show I already saw.... sorry suckas who dont prepare, but I want "fresh" episodes of ANTM on my CW!!!

nov 1.

I will be found in the cacophony
drowning deafening silence
filling gaps in spaces you never
formerly knew. noticed.
Listen closely.

I dont have time to figure out how to love you.

Hours spent interpreting innuendo.
questioning if silence has meaning

Vote or Die

SOmeone told me that even after the Vote or Die campaign, Puff Diddy didn't vote. I dont know if that's true but I wonder why people do not vote. I mean unless you are under 18 or a felon there is no reason not to vote. Self-disenfranchisement is not hot at all. I mean you are leaving others to make decisions for you. It cannot be a democracy when everyone does not exercise their right to vote.. and voting is important every time, not just when the president is being decided, because the president needs a congress and we elect our congress every two years... But voting is not enough.. I think the incumbency rate in elections is over 90 percent. Meaning that once you get elected you are almost certain to remain in office term after term.. i mean unless you do something really bad.. but it has to be worse than doing drugs because we see that DC welcomed by herione addict caught on tape, Marion Berry. Either way I wish more people would vote. it is disheartening when people i know don't feel the need to vote. I have voted in every election since I could vote. Cause that's what ya do. You vote. So if you are registered to vote in this election next Tuesday, please vote. If you are not registered, get registered and vote in your next election... cause if you dont like what is going on in the world, dont bitch and moan about it, vote against it.

Helllloooooo Nurse

I have not blogged in a long time because I said I did not have enough time. But I totally do.. Im just lazy. But I am back. Back with a vengeance. So many things to discuss. When I think about the most important thing, its Flavor of Love.. How could that be the most important thing you ask? Well, I watched it religiously (it's funny that I use that word because I definitely dont to church 'religiously', but anyhoo) and it was so embarrassing. Embarrassing that there are black women out there who want Flavor Flav's lips on them.. even for fame or money, its not worth my skin crawling and vomiting daily after contact with him... and embarrassing that they acted so crazy about it. Cursing folks out, fighting, dressing crazy... for him? for any man? i dont think so.. There is no partner in the world that is worth embarrassing yourself like that for.. or maybe its even more embarrassing to me that obviously these women are not embarrassed by their performances on the show? When it is all said and done, I must say that Flav played New York again and I mighta showed my ass (figuratively) too, if I were her, talk about embarrassment. And for Deelishus (or whatever crazy spelling he made up.. or maybe that's how he spells) She looked soooo busted without her make up and not that hot with it... But I guess she had body... ugh.. either way.. I wish i was above watching those kinds of things because I certainly am above acting that way (shut up). And its like I wonder why people talk about those that slow down to see an accident on the road. I definitely carved out an hour (and a half for the finale) to savor the Flavor of Love.

Next. America's youth.. be afraid very afraid...

Lastly, I hate that Janet's album was not so hot. I mean I like it, but I definitely bump Beyonce's more. And they didnt promote it well.. and people hate on Janet and maybe her time has come, but I think she is great. I mean I just love her and I can't wait to see her in concert cause she is going to be amazing. But such is life, if she would have sold a billion albums, I definitely would still not any help paying the rent next week.

Who the hell am I?

I am a teacher which must make me grown. I mean 150 people put their kids in my hands everyday so that I can mold them into something.. what? I am not certain. The apparent belief is they will leave my class knowing more than they came with... Which is prolly true. I do drop a little knowledge here and there... But I also am still just a child. Sometimes I skip down the hallway and then I feel like an asshole.. but I wanna skip. I have waaaay too much energy to expend to walk sometimes.. I listen to Sexyback and Ring the Alarm during my planning periods and I love it... the kids come in and ask me to please leave the music on.. and then I have to act like I dont wanna listen to it anymore even though I do... I have to teach things I dont think are interesting and end fun conversations because I am supposed to be teaching them about other stuff... it sucks... I have an apartment and I pay mad bills... I am on my own. officially. And that feels great. As scary and stressful as I can be at times.. I must admit there is a freedom knowing that it's all about me most of the time... I dont have anyone expecting anything from me or checking on me.. if I wanna go out I do.. if I wanna stay in I do.. and that's love.

I should be asleep right now but every Sunday I get excited for the week. I get excited to walk into the classroom and enjoy the chaos of hundreds of kids in the hallways, shirts untucked, pants below their waists hoping that this might be the day when we are not checking for dresscode. I enjoy the sound of kids laughing rambunctiously in the hallway not caring what time class starts cause they are enjoying each other for the moments that they have.. and knowing I have to get their little behinds in my classroom cause if they are late then it's my problem to deal with... I enjoy setting high expectations for my students because that is what they deserve. I expect alot of them.. I cannot demand it, but I know that all of my students are capable of learning, knowing and using the material that I teach to make them better people. They are fabulous... and sometimes I feel like I am just one of them... but I am not one of them.. i am supposed to be the adult.. after all, I am in charge... and I think it works...

Tomorrow is 9/11 and I dont wanna teach, I want to spend the time talking with my students about how fundamentally the US has changed... not day to day but just a change in the language, a change in the feel.. a new stress in the air that we didnt have to deal with when I was their age... I am going to tell them where I was, what I thought, what i felt on that day because at 19... my experience was much different than theirs, just turning 7 five years ago. I hope they see that history is important because what seems like the past now is so much apart of people's reality all the time. In 100 years there will be great great grandchildren who still understand that 9/11 took away brave members of their families who just went to work one day and didnt come home.. who rushed into the building to save others yet didnt make it out themselves... They will know how real the pain was because the story will be told again and again.. it will not just be in history books because this is the US and will not forget the day the face of foreign evil changed our lives.

Yet still i wonder who am I.. I see myself in the face of the students and I see myself in their parents too.. wanting to be the best, wanting the best of them, finding things funny that I shouldnt and waiting for the bell rings so I can talk to my friends in the hall.. though my gossipping is done with other teachers.

I know who I am because I know that I love teaching so much.. I love it more and more each day and think that it'll just fill me for years.. as hard as it is.. and as tired as i get.. i still work to do the best for my students because they deserve it.

:-D

SO EXCITED

Janet's new single was premiered on the radio last night.. and I love it.. and I love Janet.. I am so excited for this video and for her tour.. Get it J!!!

http://janetmedia.com/media/sounds/soexcitedsosodefpremiere.mp3

Check it out for yourself. Janet is still killin em 20 years later.
A few things to notice...

Being exhausted is the pits.

How come everytime you have to use the bathroom on the way home.. the urge increases exponentially the moment you get to the front door?

I'm tired.

I Wish I Was A Simmons!

I know yall been missing the posts.. all 4 of yall.. But guess who's bizzack... I wish I was a Simmons because I start work today and it looks to me like Simmons kids dont really work. I mean In Run's House there is a photo shoot here in there.. a little date in the studio and a 16 page magazine but it seems like most days are chillin.. meanwhile I stay on my grind.. teaching and lesson planning and shit. But it's cool.. I love my kids. I dont even know them and I am excited. .I cant wait to see who they are.. There is a student on my roster named Taylor Hix.. HAHAHAHAHAAHA that will be great.. I am excited. Tomorrow is make or break day and I am going to make it cause I'm that deal... Finally a job I care enough about to spend my own time working it and not even mad that I aint getting paid. Not trying to figure out how I am going to steal my time back.. I love teaching... it's rough but so worth it... SO i do wish I was a Simmons cause Damn my crib aint like Run's House.. but my apartment is mine and I paid for it and I love it and I'm excited to wake up tomorrow at 5:30 so I can be definately ready to meet all the lovely students who will walk into my door wondering.. who is this chic.. she aint even as old as my mama...

I'ma be on my grind more with my blog.. I wont let the school year stop me!

It's Over Now.

When I was little, I used to cry when fun days were over. After going to Six Flags Great America, I could be found in my bed crying.. thinking that I would never have as fun a day again. When i look back I think.. I was a crazy kid... but I cant be mad at my kid self. I mean kids are pure and true... But we all have times that we dont want to end.. dinners with friends, vacations... and maybe we dont go to tears about it, but it's accepting that something is over. That's why people cry at graduations and weddings... change is tough. Okay that's it. Goodnight to all the folks who read this blog. LOL the 1 or 1,000,000 of you. LOL

I know my homie LA is reading though! :-D what up nig!!! Should I be using the word nig? Nigga? Nigger? sometimes I feel bad about that too. Like, I am an educated black woman. I know why people used to say Nigger and why they say it now in any derivative. I cant make a good distinction between nigger and nig and nigga.. nigra... it's all the same kinda racist stuff reappropriated...is that reappropriation okay?? Or am I adding to the ignorance in the world? Okay shut up.. I know I add to ignorance in more ways than just saying racial epithets.. but should i say nigger and bitch in playful, familiar ways when they are words used to degrade my people? It seems wrong.. I mean like Rosa Parks.. Rest her soul..If I saw her on the street would i say.. What up Nigga? no..I mean that's a bad example cause who would say that.. I dont call my aunt nig.. that's just a matter or respect.. but is it disrepectful when I say that to my friends???? the rules are crazy...

But let me just make this clear.. My contemplation about using Nigger is in no way connected to white folks or other races of people beside Black folks saying they can use it cause we do... That is inappropriate bottom line.. I feel like there are some clubs you belong to and some that you don't. Like me and my brother can call my mom any name in the book amongst ourselves.. I mean not any name... but ya know... but other folks regardless of what they think bet not EVER come out there mouth with some diss about my mom.... Soooo I say this all in the spirit of contemplation... not sure what the answer is... understanding that i will say Nig for the time being.. but I might not say it for the rest of my life... I got the right to change my mind!! :-D

Night!

Did you think that I forgot???

JANET'S VIDEO IS OUT!!!!!
Call on Me- Janet Jackson and Nelly
Is this my fave song...no... But I think it's kinda hot. Go Janet.
I am sick of people hating on Janet like she aint the shit... I can't wait for the tour... check it out.

Do This


1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

You Fakin Like Turkey Bacon

I found myself in love with my friends this weekend. No homo Karyn. I found myself in love with the beautiful black women that my friends have grown into. Like, we are sitting there in a room chillin with beautiful black ladies, from caramel to dark chocolate, from dreads to relaxers, remembering that we knew each other back when we used to eat bowls of fries in Red House and think that Ray J and Immature were the finest things walking. I was thinking about how far we have come.. and the best part is that we have come this far together. We tripped out all weekend with one another picking up the pieces like we just came from the Pulaski Day long weekend.. knowing that we got degrees, some of us trying to get that PhD but for real.. we will do the Tootsie Roll at the white club and be as familiar with the words of the 69 boys as we are with each other.

I love my friends. Why? Because I know I can call them and get things handled. I know I can put my credit card up and not worry about having to take niggas to Judge Mathis to pay for the room. because I know that I can watch my girl get married, standing in her all white.. and not be jealous cause I don't have a man, but be so happy that she has found her soulmate and she is beginning a beautiful journey. That we can pray in the back of the church and find ourselves crying and aint nothing happened yet because we know how special the love is that God has made for us. The sisterhood between black women is real. And I mean the sisterhood that exists where you know she won't steal your man or not put in money for the tax when you go out to eat. The sisterhood where you can humbly say... girl I'm struggling... and know that being vulnerable right now is only making you both stronger.

I know I must be blessed because I have the blessing of knowing so many fabulous women who enlighten me, challenge me, love me.. and pick me up from the ground when i fall down in my dress after fighting a 10 year old for the bouquet at the wedding... and that our sisterhood is so strong that they told me I was bogus for stealing flowers from a kid.

But that is not all I need. I wish I could say that this sisterhood makes me complete and that I am a strong black woman who has it all under control. True, I got a car, job, apartment, good credit, but that's not all I need. And yes I do need a man. I don't need a man like I need my vital organs, but I need him like I need my glasses. Yeah i can see without them.. but everything is just a little bit brighter and clearer when I have them. And I love Black men! I do. I do. And I'm looking for that unconditional potential cause playing around aint what I'm on anymore. And I just wish that some dudes out here were not faking like turkey bacon... Not saying that if we go out on a date I expect you to stick through to the long haul.. I mean if things don't work out, they don't work out. I just want dudes to be honorable. I don't want a dude to sell me dreams about ooh baby.. you are wifey material. You make me feel so good.. ooh I like you. Oh I wanna see you. Call me when you get in.. call me when you wake up.. When you gone be back in town? What you doing tonight.. You got company? Who? Oh it's like that... and then fake out and not return phone calls.. Is that asking too much?

Aight so you may decide I am not the one for you.. and that is fine, I'll be alright.. it aint like we got kids, and a mortgage together, but you could return a phone call.. Like I was just calling to say whats up.. not to ask for your hand in marriage darling. It really isnt that serious.. but you don't have to game me like I'm trying to sell you something.

You know how when you go in the store and the sales person takes time showing all the phones, their different features, how they are better than the other phone you have.. why you need to switch.. even looks up the deal that they can give you with the special manager's discount AND they will get the coupon from the paper for you and act like its not expired... but sometime in the middle of the sales pitch you think like.. you know what.. I don't need a new phone.. the rent is due and my homies are coming in town, I should just keep my money in my pocket for that... BUT you don't tell the salesperson that... nooo you continue to act interested.. asking a question here and there... and then you make up some reason to leave but promise to come back and get it... but you never return. I guess cause you don't wanna hurt their feelings and you feel bad for wasting their time... we've all been there... But the real deal is.. I'm not some random person in the store..never to be seen again.. Like there must be something in me that made us cool to begin with... and just honor that when you have your change of heart and be real. Stop faking. Stop gaming. Cause I'm not with it in 2006. And I hope i don't sound bitter because I am not. I love black men. Like I am in love with black men.. I am in love with black families and black children... and I know it all comes with sacrifice.. but I am a good woman and I deserve a good man who can see that some of his niggerish ways don't honor him or his intentions... But in the words of Joan Morgan... I am not dating a man's potential. I know a man will have flaws and I know that part of any good relationship is growing together. I also know that people who want to talk to you call. People who want to see you make plans before they get bored. and that nothing can be built on complacency.

I am strong enough to be vulnerable. I am ready to fall in love. I am open to that scared feeling when you aren't sure but are willing to risk because you know how good it can be in the end. I am ready to sit at the top of the hill of the rollercoaster, scared... full of doubt.. wondering what will come next. Thinking maybe they can turn this around... knowing how frightening it is on the fall... but keeping in mind that although, this new ride might disappoint, the adrenaline in the end will make it worth conquering my nerves. I am ready to really be me and to find someone who enjoys that about me. So if you fakin, I cannot be there with you on that tip. I cannot honor that. My mama taught me a long time ago that my looks wouldn't get me everywhere, and its time men learn that game might get you a couple hours of fun... but that game is not going to find you a wife and mother to your children... it will get you a wifey and a baby mama. So when you are talking about a future... then you can drop the game and put in work because we deserve each other and I will give it my all, because our real love is worth it.

Yo, yo, yo... 1, 2, 1, 2

It's killa kam on the mic
bout to reck some shit
i'm killin it in one round
I know you feelin it,
Relax, sit back and enjoy the flow
Like the moon, i'm outshining
all you wack mo fos

I might stay up in the A,
But I'm still so Chi
Ask me what I'm doing every break
Find me on 89th
If you need some more answers
I'll just let you know..
Yes.. I'm that bourgousie Whitney
Young chic from the Go.

This One Goes Out to ALL the Laaadies


Wow... I guess just as I was growing up.. so was Romeo--excuse me-- Young Rome.. LOL it seems crazy to still kinda wanna holla at Immature.. pardon me... IMx.. Wait.. noo Young Rome and Marques... But I'd do it! Holla at me in the Dec!

Summer Summer Summer Time!!

Oooooh I just came in the house from doing my favorite thing during the summer.. Riding in the car jamming to summer jams... Summer is the best time of year because the music is soooo fun and carefree.. And the best best part is that every summer they bring back OLD summer jams!! And I be jukin in my car. I love it, love it, love it! And some people might balk at this list for not including REAL music.. but anything I can juke to is good enough for me. In no particular order!

1. Sexy Back- Justin Timberlake
2. Beyonce and Jay Z- Deja Vu
3. Do It To It- Cherish (A A A A A Aaaaaaaa)
4. It's Going Down- Yung Joc
5. Snap your Fangers- Lil Jon
6. Crazy in Love- Beyonce ft Jay Z
7. Promiscuous Girl - Nelly Furtado and Timbaland
8. Cassie- Me and You
9. I'm Real- J.Lo and Ja Rule (SHUT UP we all have our guilty pleasures)
10. So What- Field Mob ft Ciara
11. One Two Step- Ciara
12 S.O.S. -Rihanna
13. Bossy- Kelis
14. Pon de Replay- Rihanna
15. Bow Wow and Omarion- Let Me Hold You
16. Its Over Now- 112
17. Get Your Freak On- Missy

I mean clearly i can go on... but i just love love love the summer, riding in the car... acting a fool on the streets of Chicago!

What that thang smell like?

So, BET Uncut is off the air.. I didn't know for myself, because I am so old that I rarely make it up until the wee hours of the morning when Uncut comes on, but one of my favorite friends told me the news... I was a tad excited, but I must admit.. a little sad. Excited because damn how many stripper videos can really be on TV at 2:00am.. I mean small town strippers aren't even cute.. they are mostly thick girls with cellulite who can pop... Most of my friends could do the same, were they devoid of all morals, formal education, skill sets, home training, standards, and pride. But we don't go there cause we keep 9 to 5s.. And I hate that these girls really think they are going to pull a Superhead by their performance in "Let Me See That Ass Drop" By Joker the Bailbondsman. I mean come on honey... you are a two bit stripper... HO SIT DOWN!!! And I also didnt like the thought of my 15 year old son being up late on night and stumbling onto that hot ass mess 20 years from now and then trying to feel on booties at school... So for those reasons.. i am more than glad that Uncut is off the air.

Now.. I am a little disappointed because Uncut has really provided me with some quality entertainment over the past 6 years... Okay, not QUALITY.. but hilarious.. The first time I saw "What That Thang Smell LIke" by Black Jesus... i was blown away.. I cracked up for days and made my friends stay up to watch it and laugh with me.. I burned it on a CD and would act out the ridiculous mess in the video.. I mean come on..Girls having the bouncer at a club smell their fingers for admission??? EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW But hey. it made it on TV.. so I'm happy to laugh at it... And other songs really made my top 10.. I mean "Choppa Style" debuted on Uncut sometime during my undergrad days and I bonded with some new friends while doing the dance at a meeting.. ahhhhh hilarious... So, where will I get my lowgrade hilarious black videos now? Where will those grown ass men who were able to scrape together a few thousand dollars from their mamas/baby mamas/SSI check be able to debut their low grade videos???

So Farewell Uncut... it was good to have known you... Okay maybe not good.. but it was fun while it lasted.. I hope "Tipdrill" finds its place in hell where it belongs.. Cause credit cards don't belong in certain places... I just hope that we can get Keyshia Cole's and DMX's show off the air and salvage BET as a network worth us watching...

PS White Girls was also a hilarious song too.... i feel bad for enjoying the degradation supported by Uncut... but goodness gracious there was a bunch of mess on that program...

G'night.

Whatever man

Soooo this summer I had not enough to do and spent way too much time concerned with what people were telling me. In the spirit of introspection I took it to heart and now I realize aint nothing I can do about it. I tried to make some changes, it didn't work for me. So, I'm mean? you know you like it. So, I'm a jerk? you prolly get a kick out of it. I'm just me.. I'm sarcastic and dry. I dont really get excited about alot of things and when people want me to be excited it often comes off sounding fake (cause it is). Above all, my friends know that I am loyal and real. You will never have to guess where you stand with me and if we are homies then we are homies. People must think I'm funny cause they are always laughing at things that I say. Sometimes I can be ON TEN and act a fool... When I kick it, I kick it hard.. no reason to go out if you arent going to do it big. I don't intentionally hurt people's feelings, but it happens... just like it does to everyone. I'm forgiving because i know that there are times when I need to be forgiven. I can be an asshole and I am often stubborn. .If i dont wanna do it, i'm most likely not going to. But I am also very thoughtful and I make it my prerogative to make my friends' day. I just like them to know I have their back always. I dont think I expect more from people than I give. I am a woman of my word and sometimes I do falter. But I am always ready to apologize. I dream big and live big. I'm probably a little crazy and just trying to be the best me I can be.. so whatever man.. i'm doing what I can, making it the best way i know how.

Where did Sexy Go?


Justin Timberlake's new club banger is called Sexy Back.. In that song he proclaims to be bringing sexy back... Did sexy ever leave???? Diddy proclaims that he has been preserving his sexy with Proactiv.... but where HAS the rest of the sexy gone??

I don't know where it went, but I think it left around the time that BET Uncut hit the air and this base level rap hit the radio. Do not get me wrong cause I'm not gonna sit here and front like I don't listen to all the booty shakin music they play at the club.. But let us be really real.. That music aint sexy. The crunk explosion has gone from sexy to raunchy and I'm not trying to get down and dirty to any of that. Not "Run" By David Banner..."Wait" by Yin Yang Twins. "Ms. New Booty" by That dude who sings it... or any of that..

I remember being at high school dances and that was sexy... Listening to Moments in Love or Brian McKnight or Boys II Men.. Even H-Town, Jodeci and Silk kept it kinda sexy.. I'm not gonna trip Meeting in my Bedroom was the junk!!! And I cannot forget Ginuwine, King of the Panty Droppers! But that era is gone.. Now we have Mario, Ne-yo, JT Freeze.. I mean Trey Songs.. All these other dudes who are not keeping anything sexy.. romantic maybe.. but sexy not... The only person who makes me feel a little tingle is Usher.. and he aint been out in a minute..

So maybe JT is bringing sexy back because he is one sexy fine white boy... I mean dayum.. he could absolutely get it! But why does it take a white boy to bring sexy back.. as many fine sexy black men I know.. and Mr. JT is the one to bring it back.. I mean there have been some sexy songs out, but not by particularly sexy people. Marques Houston had Naked, Avant had.. i dont know. .whatever the names of his songs have been, R Kelly.. yeah well sleeping with children is not sexy so strike that.. but they have all contributed to the sexy.. But ugh.. who wants to have sex with them.. The only sexy male artist I can think of that is out now is LL Cool J and he is like 40..but so so sexy at 40 I must admit..

So I wanna say RIP to these artists who preserved Sexy in the past:






And I guess now thanks to JT... this type of sexy is bizzack... holla!!!!

Problems

So I've been thinking... We all got the same problems. We all look confident on the outside but have those moments alone when we question our lives and our decisions. We all have those insecurities that can spiral out of control if we don't keep them in check. We are all individuals just striving for happiness and peace in ourselves and some days we are better at it than others.

So my question is.. how come no one tells us that we are all feeling the same at the end of the day. I remember I was starting a new job a couple of years ago and I was so nervous that my stomach was in knots. I was definately excited too and pretty confident in my capabilities but I was soooo damn nervous I thought I was crazy... I told one of my friends and she said.. "Everyone is nervous when they first start a new job.. you are not the only one. We all feel like that." And it was like a lightbulb that went off.. I was thinking wow.. everyone feels that way? Everyone is nervous when it comes to this kinda stuff. .And I thought about all the times I put on a brave face and went out into the world with pseudo confidence when my stomach was churning and my hands shaking fearful of the unknown.. .

I wonder why no one told me this growing up. How come we don't allow kids to be sad and let that be okay? I remember as a kid feeling like something was wrong with me if I had any negative feelings and there being a focus on cheering up and getting it together. We all know the rhyme, "Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." Yeah right.. what hurts more than words.... but we are fooled into thinking that its not supposed to hurt and something is wrong with us if we let it get to us.. It's a scam. I mean I definately don't believe in sitting in sadness or despair, and I think that there are definately ways that people can cope with difficult times. But as an adult I know that difficult times will come, and I just have to focus on making it through them.

Flashback TLC


This was the first song I was geeked about.. I LOVE this song.. I did in 1992 and I do now.. I must admit at one point I definately had bandaids on my clothes when I went to school... SHUT UP! It was hot then!!

Hating on Copernicus


In the 16th century, Copernicus dropped knowledge. He said that the Earth was not the center of the Universe. He told em that it was the Sun.. Everything, all the other planets revolve around the sun. Needless to say, most folks weren't hearing it. Now the 16th century haters, were like, "Copernicus, you is crazy. You know Aristotle and Ptolemy already mapped out the Solar System and OBVIOUSLY the Earth is at the center! What are you talking about, homie?" (YES that is a direct quote) and the Catholic Church dissed him like he was talking ying yang.

Well, I know why they hated on Copernicus, cause I do all the time. I mean, those who know me understand that I am a tiny bit spoiled and I kinda like things like I like things and I want them when I want them and when that doesnt go down.. I am not happy. Some have kinda hinted that I believe that the world revolves around me. Well, yes.. cause most of the time my world does revolve around me. I mean, I am blessed. Most of the things I want I get through luck, generosity, hard work or a mixture of the three. I am blessed with some absolutely wonderful friends who indulge me in alot of my tomfoolery and ridiculosity. When I wanna go out I call someone and they are down...sometimes when I don't want to go out people call me cause they want me to go with them.. which is a blessing as well. All in all my life is pretty dope... which kinda leads to me kinda feeling like if i'm sitting on top of the world, then everything must be revolving around me because how else could this all fall into such perfect place? I mean it must be nature right..

NO cause then situations occur when I get disappointed. When a relationship I was hella excited about turns sour and I don't understand why or when something I really wanna do doesnt work out, like lets say I get invited somewhere and when I show up the person who invited me is gone...You know things like that happen and it pisses me off.. and makes me sad.

It's like Copernicus coming and sitting down next to me to break the news... "No matter how life may seem at times, I'm sorry. Not even your life revolves around you. It's just life and wish all you might, but you are just one element, one piece. So there will be situations beyond your control. Cause it doesnt work out with you as the center." And even though I know it's the truth and I do understand that... I get mad, just like the Catholic Church...because it is a harsh reality to face the idea that something that seems so natural.. isnt the truth.

I'm hating on Copernicus in a very personal 2K6 style. It doesn't make sense that disappointment should be apart of life. That situations should occur that require me to understand that I dont have control over everything that happens or the reactions of other people because I am not the Sun.. I dont provide life.. I am just living.


So Copernicus.. you might have been right then, you might be right now.. but damn.. .its a tough pill to swallow... cause I'm just trying to be sitting on top of the world, and I dont understand why i can't!

And yes this analogy might be a little far fetched but hey..

July 4th.. Independence Day.

Stars and Stripes Forever?
Yeah right.

I'm a patriot on occasion. you know.. like when its the Olympics or ummm okay just at the Olympics or Penn Relays.. I will shout USA with the best of them.. but all in all... I must say I don't get too much into flag waving... Fourth of July... Schmourth of July... You know while America's Forefathers were in Philadelphia putting their John Hancock's (hahaha) on the Declaration of Independence... my forefathers were pickin some cotton and birthin some babies in Georgia and Mississippi.. so I can't get too gung ho.. singing the National Anthem and stuff.. So i'm just going to wear red, black and green.. Sing Lift Every Voice and Sing.. and eat some good ole BBQ today and remember what Frederick Douglass said years ago.. in "What to the Slave is the Fourth of July": Here is the link:
http://douglassarchives.org/doug_a10.htm
If you are down for enlightenment.

You are NOT the Father!

What's going on in the world today when every case on Maury Povich ends with the guy not being the father of the child? I mean, call me a goody goody, a prude, a whatever.. but I mean as far as I know when you go to the doctor they give you a window of when the baby was conceived.. and how much sex must you have to not know who the father of your child is? I mean okay maybe it can be between two men... you can have your man and your piece on the side... I can see that.. but 10 guys? Ten men you had sex with in that small window of conception and they are all NOT the father? C'MON!!! And with no protection.. and we wonder why AIDS is hitting us the hardest...

I am also so sick of the men on Maury calling these girls every name in the book... I mean if she is all of that than you should have exercised a little dick discretion and put it back in your pants! I mean the urge is real.. we all wanna have sex.. we would all love to have hedonistic orgies without emotion and full of erotic enjoyment... I mean, maybe not.. but something about that sounds appealing.. but at the end of the day.. there are consequences that we want to avoid and so we, as thinking humans, give it a second thought and make a different decision. We make the decision to not sleep with every man who is willing, or every guy we meet who is attractive. I mean I make that decision... because if attraction was all we needed, I would have had sex with a good 8% of the people I know (yeah i'm that picky)... But I don't.. and neither do most of the people I know.... so I just sit around and talk about how horny I am... flirt shamelessly with cuties.. and grind on the dancefloor.. then go home and hope to fall in love... so then i can get all my action guilt/remorse/regret free.. . because when it comes to meaningless sexual encounters.. what percentage is really worth it??

I know shit happens. Situations arise and I am not downing anyone who has a unplanned pregnancy.. I mean me and my siblings were all surprises... but just be real about it.... be adult about things you do.. and also... just save up the money for the paternity test yourself so you dont have to be yelling and screaming.. running from the stage throwing yourself on the couch in the back and telling Murray how embarrassed you are and although you were 2000 per cent sure he was the father...NOW you have an idea of who else it could be.

sigh... but i must admit... Murray does make some DAMN GOOD TV!!

South Suburbs- Revisited

So... I went out to the south suburbs again... I knew I shouldnt have.. I almost didn't because as i've already described, the south suburbs is a special piece of Chicagoland... that is fun to shop in... cool to live in some places.. but not appropriate to party... unless its a house party... and then only in particular south suburbs... Either way...

We pulled up to club What's Up? LOL yeah.. i know... and after some positive self talk went in...
No one was there yet.. ,just some high school folks but it was early. Cool cool.. You know me.. I pregame in the car... soo I'm nice.. I buy my friend a drink for suffering through this against her will.. and we take in the ambiance..

Then we see someone we knew and he tells me to introduce myself to his friend... Now, I wave across the table and he says something.. and I cant hear because music is playing... sooo I ask again.. and again and finally I hear him say... "you aint gotta act like that.. i didn't sleep with you last night" and I was like what? I don't even know what that means... of course we didnt sleep together.. what are you talking about... and if i he is accustomed to girls being lukewarm the night after they sleep together then he should just not do it.. or go to a class or something because clearly his performance is not up to par. He also tells me.. everybody says that.. and I'm like.. uuuuuh not anyone I've ever met.. But I imagine this is the purpose of ethnography, to learn about other cultures.

All in all the night was great. I had a great time... I saw alot of people I havent seen in a while... high school friends.. so much fun... a blizzast!! But it was interesting very itneresting I must say... But variety is the spice of life.. but let me say it again... No more south suburbs.

Art


I went to see a play tonight, Crumbs from the Table of Joy and it was amazing.. as i sat in the theatre I was amazed by the whole production. I was amazed by how art can be so touching in the simplest of ways. I realize that all emotion is universal and compassion is essential. I am moved by the artists who are able to find that thread in the words, characters and actors and weave it through the audience creating one energy.

True art makes attempts pale in comparison. Ella Joyce is amazing. She is fantastic. It amazing how so much black art is gone unnoticed in popular media. I sat engrossed in the story and delighted by the work and wondered why I let my mind rot away with reality TV. Then I thought about how funny it is when people stop being polite and stop getting real. Either way I vowed to make it a mission to see more plays and musicals because they inspire me in a way that other art forms do not. At the curtain call, I always look at the actors and think of the happiness they must feel to be living their dream and to be celebrated for it. Entertainment is cut throat and unforgiving and to see actors be so excellent and so amazing and so inspired each night is a part of the meaning of life.. I am sure. (you can see I am now obsessed with the meaning of life). I had tears in my eyes, so happy for them that they were so happy to be doing what they do so beautifully.

My favorite quote: "Choose your battles wisely. A nappy head in this world is like raising the white flag to surrender." LOL

Grown

I like the phrase. "Im a grown ass woman" I think its kinda funny and makes a good point when necessary.. Mostly I use it with my friends to rebut their requests of me... But I'm thinking.. Im never gonna be grown. cause if Im grown then I dont have anywhere else to go but down.. and my journey is about bigger and better.. I dont want to shrink in my adulthood or let my head get big with delusional thoughts of being complete. This human journey is not under my control, so if i want to survive with my sanity and happiness intact I gotta grow.. I have to keep growing. I have to strive for more. Part of that is growing pains but with that i'll be stronger, i'll be better and I'll have more to give to those who love me and with that i'll be happy, secure, and more who God has intended for me to be. So I ain't grown.. i'm just me.. striving to grow with each opportunity.

peace.

Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.

I am currently striving.

The War on Drugs.

Last night, I fell asleep watching the History Channel. There was a very interesting special on the illegalization of drugs in the United States. Did you know that what led to cocaine becoming an illegal narcotic was politicians from southern states saying that when black men take cocaine they get so high and sexually charged that they cant help but rape every white woman in sight?? Insane. Absolutely Insane.. but they bought this shit hook line and sinker and made cocaine illegal. Yet somehow, Coca-Cola still has managed to keep itself addictive, but that is neither here or there. It is also interesting that cocaine has a 17000% profit margin.. yup the amount of cocaine they can make for a dollar in Columbia will sell for 17000 dollars in the United States. Isn't that crazy?? Like the war on drugs can ever win, when money like that is possible.

To quote my nigga Young Jeezy.. okay he's clearly not my nigga, but you can say that when you are talking about those kinda rappers. I think they prefer it?

"It's kinda hard being drug free, when Georgia Power won't give a nigga lights free."

TRUE!!! Aint nobody helping me! Aight, my momma is, but that is neither here nor there. The point being.. if you dont have any guidance, zero job skills and a minimal education how can I not understand if you #1) sell drugs to make the money to give to Georgia Power, or PG&E or ComEd depending on where you stay. or 2) Get high all the time cause you aint got no electricity.. that's rough!!

Now let me clear this up, I do not condone selling drugs or using them (well i dont really care about weed, but that's a different story) because I do think that using cocaine, crack (check out Whitney) and heroin can really mess you up. I mean that stuff is rough! But from what I hear the effects are nice if you aint got nothing to live for. I mean if you are empty on the inside and then crack gives you, what users call, a body orgasm... can I hate? I mean yes, clearly I can.. I'm just saying I kinda understand.

The government started the War on Drugs because soldiers that they drafted to go to Vietnam were using heroin heavily. I mean, in a war zone in that hot ass jungle, I might be shooting up too. I can't say it would beyond me.. that's gotta be real. Sometimes I'm scared driving through the PJs at dusk.. let alone for real for true war. So they start this War on Drugs stuff which is fake, I mean Just Say No? Okay... sure.. got ya... I'll try it now, and then if I dont like it.. i'll say no the next time. But they say that this program, headed by good ole Nancy Reagan, met moderate success. I'm sure most of us remember D.A.R.E. in school, but when I was first handed a joint, I can't say I was thinking about those ways to still be cool, but say no... cause I wasnt worried about being cool.. I was like.. hmm sure.. let's give it a whirl.

And the current ads are so much worse.. I mean "Music is my anti-drug"?? Really? Most music talks about the joys of being high!! One time, I was in the car with my mom and one of those "Basketball is my anti-drug" commercials came on.. and my mom turns to me, 19 and on vacation from college, and asked, "What is your anti-drug?" The question was so ridiculous, I had to respond, "Alcohol." She wasn't pleased.. LOL but either way, that antidrug conversation is silly...And then there were those great commercials with the people smoking weed and then forgetting to pick their siblings up from practice and running over that girl in the parking lot cause they were high... more hilarious than scary. And now teens are striving to be above the influence... okay. we'll see how that works.

Lucky for me, I can get high on life. I act a fool all day long... but a nice stiff drink at times doesn't hurt...not one bit!! :-D And it's all good, cause thankfully... i'm grown!

From the Archives..

This is before I had a blog.. but its funny.. and I figured i'd take it out of e-mail anonymity and place it for the world to see.. hahahahahahah enjoy..

From Jan 13, 2006 :

Okay... so i clearly need to be back in school ASAP because i have nothing to do but surf the internet... but in the process.. i find the most disturbing things.. Most of them involve Star Jones... so I will compile all of my Star findings for you all as a courtesy to help you through work, job..whatever it is you are doing that is productive for society.. with a little bit of laughter :-D

As we all know, Ms. Jones released a book earlier this month.. last week maybe.. well here are excerpts.. if you have read them before.. dont be shy.. read them again they will be just as funny....

"At a party on Nov. 13, 2003, a man took my arm and said, "You're not just going to pass me by." This man with skin the color of cooked butter, the most beautiful lips and the deepest brown eyes on the planet continued, "I saw you once at a party five years ago and was too hesitant to approach you, but I'm braver this time." I was charmed out of my wits. I looked into those chocolate eyes, and I literally heard a bell ring – just like my mother said it would.

"On date one, Al presented me with a CD of songs with the word "star" in them. More important was date two. We'd gone to church and come back to my apartment for a home-cooked meal. Al took my hands and said the words I'll never forget: "I'm not looking for temporary." Whooooaaa. "Well, I'm also not interested in sport dating," I answered. From that moment on, we started thinking of ourselves as two parts of a penny. We'd talk on the phone till 4 in the morning. I left singing messages on his voice mail. He covered the floor of my living room with roses. I was madly in love. The first time he held me in his arms sexually, it was almost frightening because we knew our erotic interest in each other could take over every other thing. So we had an intoxicatingly sexual connection the first two months of our relationship. And we talked seriously about marriage. Because we knew this was all moving too quickly, we wanted to bring a spiritual adviser into the relationship. It wasn't an easy decision. We both knew the first thing he'd say was, "To test this relationship, you must be celibate until marriage.

They consulted a pastor, who said just that.

"He told us that this period of abstinence would, in many ways, insure our ability to be faithful after marriage. The first two months we were celibate, it was kind of whimsical – like, "Oooh – look, we're doin' it." I mean, Al is a beautiful man. He's got the legs of a stallion. He'd be a perfect Ralph Lauren model.

"We both probably had the hardest time during the next two months. The last two months we grew even closer than I'd ever dreamed possible."

On Nov. 13, 2004, they wed. Star's goal had been to weigh less than her groom that day – and she did.

"Today we celebrate our love every waking moment. When I'm all dressed up, Al will say to me in the sexiest voice, "Let 'em have it, Ms. Jones."

"Baby, you are the Man," I answer.

"Thank you, baby," he says.

And I'll say, "Babe, did you make any money today?"

And he'll say, "Yeah, I think I might have made a little bit of money."

And I say, "Did you go buy your wife something? Because your wife likes pretty things."

And he'll say, "I know my wife likes pretty things. Didn't I give you that big old diamond ring?"

And I'll say, "Ooh, that was last year."

So we toast each other with humor and appreciation and respect.

Al and I were really tested during our engagement period. One day we would read in the press that Al was out gallivanting with a bunch of women. The next day, we'd read a story questioning his sexuality. I remember my husband saying to me, "Baby, what am I today?" And me answering, "Just who you were yesterday, baby." The attacks on the nature of our relationships never bothered me because I knew this man. Al would give me strength, and I'd give him strength, and we prayed every morning and every evening. And we still do. People ask me how Al felt when I lost weight. One day, I asked [him]. He thought for a bit, and then he said, "It takes some getting used to, your thinner body beside me, because it's not the same body I fell in love with."

How sweet is that?
(from people.aol.com)

Star Jones is gross and absolutely delusional!!!!!! here is my favorite excerpt....

"About a week later, in bed, I said to him, 'Honey, you have on your T-shirt - are you cold?' And he, whom most people consider to have one of the most gorgeous bodies on the planet - those shoulders - answered me by saying, 'I just don't look as good naked as you do."

yeah right not in this universe.. I guess those are the things you have to do when you dont wanna press your homosexual body against Star Jones.. make up blatant lies to prevent any sleeping together... Even suggest abstinence till marriage... "Yes, Star we should be celibate to test our relationship and grow closer (and so that I don't have to sleep with you because I'm not really into the vadge)." Very Brokeback if you ask me.. And I would like to share a picture to illustrate the point!




Goodness gracious.. all that animal erotic interest.. and someone doesnt look interested.. not to mention who the hell gives public lap dances at 40+??????????? She is the worst..
Have a great day!

Rhythm Nation 2006!!!


Janet Jackson is back!!! And I am too excited. It has been a rough couple of years for me and J. I mean when there was alot I had to forgive her for.. Like ruining the sales of Damita Jo cause of the SuperBowl. I mean I was jammin to the performance. Janet and my sexy vanilla.. JT... and then BAM...Nipple City. I knew the tour was out of the window as soon as it happen and I was pissed. I mean I needed a Damita Jo tour.. It didn't happen and I didn't get to see my J in action for dang... 5 years.

Then to find out that she was with Jermaine Dupri.. I mean he is a dope producer, but he is not, by any means, the sexiest man I've ever seen in my life... He must be the nicest, sweetest man.. and be able to lay a mean pipe to be able to hang with J... But I must admit they do seem happy and in love and at least they aren't bullshitting with some secret marriage stuff like the did that that other dude... JD even stuck with her when she was a solid 200 pounds... And that was no joke... Nope.. i'm not putting that picture up...I aint playing my J out like tha... Because Janet is doing the damn thing now.. Janet is clearly the best. She has the best abs... try to say something...

Janet has been killin em and she is back to do it again. Twenty Years Old comes out in September, but you can check out the new single, Call on Me ft Nelly.. It should be on radio now and the video will filmed in LA soon... I am too excited. Janet is about to tear the club up and hit the tour.. and I will be there in every city (okay 1) to check her show... me and J.. reunited and it feels soooooo good. Okay back to reality.

The Meaning of Life

I have been thinking alot about the meaning of life recently. I was out watering the grass and was looking at the birds and the trees and I even saw a magic black squirrel.. Okay not magic, but black squirrels are rare in these parts. And as I'm watering the grass I started to think about what is the most important thing in my life... and it all came down to one thing.. relationships. I value all of the relationships in my life, from my friends to acquaintances to people I haven't talked to in years. My play family and my real family.. people who I admire from afar and am enamored with up close... I love that human connection and that has to be the best part of life because it is automatic.

I first started thinking about this when my baby girl was born. My cousin gave birth to the cutest baby in the whole wide world last year and I just fell in love with her instantly. When I look at her my heart melts and I buy her all kinds of things. I was wondering why is this love automatic. She is a very sweet baby, but she doesn't give me all of the things that I look for in adult relationships. The love I have for her is constant. Even when she wont come to me and when she cries and even when she tried to kick me in the face, I love her still. That is what life is about.

These connections are automatic, like when you meet someone at a party and wonder why you are just becoming friends, why did it take you so long to find out how great that person was. I had a moment that spoke so clearly to this over the weekend. One of my Ultimates had a birthday party in Philly last week. I told her I was not coming because I couldnt afford it, but I surprised her anyway.. I was giddy the entire weekend and when I walked into the party and she saw me... She looked, then her eyes registered that it was me... and it was so exciting. It was her excitement, the love we share for one another all expressed in that moment which makes me know that human connection has to be what its all about. Yeah, she would love me still if i didn't come to the party and it would have been all good... but its the love for someone that tells you that you cant miss their party,.. and its the gratitude that they feel when you show up that makes all the drama of life worth it.

I often think about how fun it is to be standing in the line someone and strike up a cool conversation with a complete stranger about everything or anything and then you bid farewell, but with a smile on your face. I always think.. there it is! This is it! I mean we all know that humans are social creatures and if we dont have social connections we will go crazy... I think that's why I teach, I get to have that human connection everyday... its also what makes it so hard because teaching is so personal... each day you are interfacing with little people who have moods and attitudes and their own agenda in the classroom... and it can be hard to not take it personally when they dont give two hot hells what you are talking about.. but when they do, its priceless!!

The song is right when it says "love is all we need" because money can't rule the world and when things get dramatic, and difficult, as life takes its toll on us.. its the love that keeps us whole. Thats why when I hold my little baby girl and she smiles at me, nothing else matters, the problems melt away and its just me and her.

An Inconvenient Truth

So, I was supposed to go see The Breakup last week.. but due to it being ridiculously popular... I went to go see An Inconvenient Truth and it changed my life..

For those of you who are not familiar.. An Inconvenient Truth is Al Gore's movie discussing the issue of global warming and the problems that it is causing now and will cause on the planet. All of these things will effect humankind.. and all of these things are caused my human kind. It changed my life for a number of reasons.

1. I had no idea that global warming was a real problem, and the film made me realize, not only is it a REAL problem.. it is a HUGE problem! It is a problem that we cannot ignore any longer. It is causing the intensification of hurricane seasons.. leading to more hurricanes and stronger hurricanes. Glaciers, lakes and mountaintop snow are all melting which is leading to horrible environmental issues that are affecting human populations. Lake Chad is almost gone. There is no snow at the top of Mount Kilimanjaro.. and the glaciers are melting.. polar bears are drowning because they cant find any ice.. and humans are responsible.

2. I am responsible! Yes I do have a car that is easy on gas mileage.. and I don't drive that far or that much..but I am not ecofriendly by any means... I turn on lights that i dont use... in my dorm room I would leave everything on cause I wasn't paying for it.. But I realize now that I will be paying for it in the long run.. Either me or my children who will live in a world with torrential climates and unpredictible conditions.. A couple of degrees does not seem like alot in the grand scheme of things in the world.. but believe me. It is. Forget it.. believe Al Gore, he doesnt have an reason to lie.

3. I am making active changes. I am turning off lights I don't need and saving water. I am unplugging my charger for my phone and my computer when I am not using them because that uses energy which emits more and more CO2 in the air.. which is killing us softly. I am also going to start recycling because that is renewable energy.. There are tons of things that we can do.. but awareness is the first.. Go see An Inconvenient Truth.. check the website.

After you check the website.. we gotta check ourselves cause when we ruin the planet there is nothing else we can do... at all. The energy lobbies are playing us hard.. we are paying 3.00 per gallon for gas that is killing the earth... using cars that suck it up. This is for real. It is crisis time. It is up to us to intervene.

I got ho(mie)s in different area codes

I wish that everyone in my life lived in one place. I mean think about it, if all of my homies could move to Atlanta or Chicago then I could have allll of my homies right there with me all the time. Yeah e-mail and IM and phones make it so easy to stay in touch with people, but there is nothing like sitting down with someone and having a nice long conversation about life or tv.. whatever you know..

Moving from Chicago to Philly to Atlanta and now being back to Chicago has separated my life so much.. I have close friends in a bunch of states and even some who have moved overseas.. which i am not to keen about.. One of my close friends relocated to Israel.. and I dont have any clue when the next time I am going to see her...

It's so funny how the grass is always greener, cause when i was at school and most of my homies did all live in one place, I was forever trying to figure out how I could get away... how I could walk down the street and be anonymous and have my own time... I was dreaming of a day when I could just live by myself... and now I miss it.. I miss the companionship.. but mostly i am sick of having to fly to other cities to see my homies.. or having them take off work to come see me somewhere.. that kind stuff doesnt work too well in the working world.

I miss my homies.. but I get to see alot of them this summer which is fabulous.. awww but to my homies all over the world.. I miss you.. holla at me.

Go Sit Down!!

To artists who dont have anything to say!! This song is the truth!
Hit it India!!



What if?

Life is full of what ifs. What if I had asked for help? What if I said I love you? What if I would have just kept my mouth shut? There are tons of what if and part of making decisions is knowing that there is always a what if... Another choice that could have possibly led to another outcome. The what if moments that resonate are those that occur after overanalyzing the situation and weighing the pros and cons... then finally making a decision while full of apprehension.
I always wonder.. what if I would have gone for the kiss...
There is that moment, so rare that it takes our breath away each time, but so common that we have all experienced it.. When your eyes take hol d of someone else's gaze and you feel a swirl of emotion go from head to toe.
Butterflies flutter and spines tingle... The gaze feels so right that you cannot let go, but its so frightening that you know you cannot hold on to it forever...
It's in that moment, right when my stomach starts to drop that I always want to go in for a kiss. I want to get the courage to lean in and experience that connection fully. But I never have, because the choice to go forward leads to another list of what ifs?
What if he doesn't feel the same way?
What if I get rejected?
What will her boyfriend say?
What if someone sees?
What if the only one who feels this energy is me?
So, I've never gone for it. Maybe next time I will.
Drunk with courage, not alcohol.
Full of passion.
who knows when the next time could be.. but I'm ready.

New Growth

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a perm.

Not a curly perm.. I guess I should use the correct terminology.

I have a relaxer. I relax my hair every 6 weeks religiously. Cept, I dont have a stylist in Chicago right now, so I havent been able to get my do fried dyed and laid to the side.. Soooo I have 7 weeks of new growth.
My hair is naturally thick, and I tie it down every night. Today, during the day, I was bored so I decided I should wrap my hair so it will lay down in case I go out with weekend, I wont be looking such a hot mess... Well, I did that.. and then I had to go the garage and I took out my wrap.

AND DAMN does new growth hurt when you try to comb it out..... I mean it hurts. Like acid on your scalp.. or a rug burn. I dont know how to describe, but I imagine every black girl knows what im talking about, at least once.. MY temples are still pounding from where I had to brush it down...

Why does new growth hurt so bad.. is it punishment for trying to change my hair in the first place? Well that is cruel, but beauty hurts!

Alright enough bitchin.. next week i can get my relaxer and be dead sexier.

Holla at me baby! <----the hottest song out!

oooh and.. l am not my hair!

The Gay Agenda

Fags and dykes should not be able to marry.
Dirty queers should leave their perversion unsanctioned by the government.
You agree with me.
Of course you do.
Who couldn’t?
It’s wrong… being gay, queer, lesbian, transgendered, bisexual is all wrong because it says so in the Bible.
Somewhere.
It is in the Bible.
Leviticus.
Definitely in the Bible.
Leviticus 18:22
Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."
SEE!!!!
Liberals are assholes, who don’t believe in God.
They want gay marriage and they don’t want the war!
Both of these are to protect us all.
Protect the true patriots and real red blooded Americans.
These colors don’t run.
That is why we have to stay in Iraq.
We must get Osama.
It’s in the Bible.
“Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy.”
Now that is in the Book of Matthew!!
Hate thine enemy!
Kill Osama, Kill Iraqis
And now its time to kill Iranians too.
We must do these things to protect our country
To protect everything it means to be an American.. one nation under God!!
“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; that ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."
Again.. Book of Matthew..
Making it righteous and clear that Iraqi’s have given us no choice!
Wait… SHIT
Jesus said to love your enemies
But you can love and kill right? Kill someone you love.. people do it all the time
OJ
Betty Broderick
The Menendez Brothers
They are all in jail.
Should George Bush be in jail? I am going to get on the watch list because of this.
But we will get the gays…
Federal Marriage Amendment
On it’s way!
Cause they can’t get married.
America still wins.
They won’t be able to adopt children
Or leave their assets to one another
They don’t get benefits from their partner’s jobs.
If they go to the hospital, their partner can’t come in.
Unless they live in Communist Massachusetts!
Forever -crooked.
They can’t be the straight.
It will ruin marriage
Straights are the only ones who can keep the divorce rate at a steady
50 percent
Who the fuck do they think they are trying to infringe on that sanctity.
Well I tell you this.
Not on my watch.
In my voting booth
When I pull back that curtain
I AM THE DECIDER!!!

Fathers and Mothers who serve as fathers...

I haven't celebrated Father's Day in 10 years, since my own father died. I have gotten cards for my uncles and my grandfather. That turned out to be a good idea because my uncle said that he never got a card from someone who wasn't his child and to get a card from us meant alot. That was the Father's Day before he passed away.

While Father's Day hasn't been a huge part of my life, I am intrigued the Father's Day Brunch for Fathers and Mothers who serve as fathers. Now, I know that there are a lot of single mothers out there who are the only parent that plays any role in their children's lives. I know that there are a lot of triflin men who know that they have children yet make the decision to have nothing to do with them. But I do not know if I feel like a mother can really serve as a father for kids.



My father was active in my life before he passed, and that relationship is very different from the role that my mother played before and since. She has been a wonderful supportive parent. She has given me the skills and confidence to accomplish my goals and all the TLC a child could want, but I don't think that she filled that role of father once my father passed away. I dont think anyone can be a father but a man.

How can you be both mother and father? Though I don't feel like I am at a huge disadvantage in life because I lacked my father as a adolescent, but I can admit that I don't understand the role that father's play in the lives of their daughters as they go from girl to woman. My relationship with my mother has changed so much in the last ten years, and I dont knowwhat kind of metamorphosis my relationship with my father could have had.

I can't imagine that it's doing a service to our community by saying that Mothers can serve as Fathers. So many kids will say, "I don't have a father." So many single mother's say, "I am his mother and his father" but that kinda states that life is alright without a father. That as mother's we can do it all alone. But that's not true. I want my children to have a father who is active and proud, who can balance the family. I want a father who teach my children how to do stuff I don't know how to do, whether it be sports, mechanics, working on cars..."guy" stuff.


If something happens, I don't think I can serve as a father and I know that i will have to bring men into my life who can serve as father figures to my children. Who can give them advice on how to be a man and take responsibility and how to be a woman and read through the bullshit that men come up with (ok. I guess I can have that discussion too.)

Either way I think that we are fooling ourselves by carrying on the delusion that mothers can be fathers to their children. and maybe that is what makes so many women get pregnant without any consideration of who the father might be just because they want a baby and then end up on maury or are just telling their children you dont have a father.

None of this is to judge single mothers or single fathers because I think that children can thrive in any family arrangement that is grounded in love and support. But i think a spade is still a spade.. and I dont want to even attempt to serve as a father. I just want to be a good mother, as my mother has done for me.

Insanity...

This is the response that I got from my friend last night when I txted her to ask "Why am I at the Jaguar on College Night?"

Clearly I am insane. My baby cousin is in town. She is a baby and has not yet celebrated her 21st birthday. So that limited our pickins of social venues on a Sunday night. Now, since I've been 21, I have eliminated anything with the words "college night" "18 to enter, 21 to drink" because I mean.. I'm grown. So, for the past 2 years me and my cousin have usually hung out during the day or at her house at night, but I broke my rule because she was only in town for a minute and I wanted to spend a little time with her. I should have followed my gut!!

11:00- the insanity begins.. We walk up to the door and the cover was 12 dollars.. 12 dollars? First, why is there a cover for any club out in the 100s. and Second... 12? I'm accustomed to the cover being some multiple of 5. 12 dollars made me immediately feel like I was going into WY homecoming "Watch the Water, Here Come the Dolphins." But it wasn't because J-Ball and Renz would not have let half those outfits into the gym on any night.

While waiting to pay, I see that there is a sign that says, "No cameras allowed, photographer on premises" Oooh shit.. and this was written in magic marker... What kinda place doesn't let you take your own damn pictures? Then I look to my right and realize... the same kinda place that would provide you with an airbrush background featuring a Mercedes and a private plane on a runway. I knew it was going to be a long night..

All this time I am looking at the bright side and thinking that maybe cause I've been drinking the entire ride over, it could be a fun/entertaining night. Anyway, I have my singles out and I look around and see that there are pictures of a variety of women mounted on top of a huge gold Jaguar in the foyer... Women of all the wrong shapes and sizes for this kind of thing... Skirts that were up way too high and nasty thongs showing... like a cheap Black Bike Weekend.. Well.. I hand the lady the cover, get a receipt (yes they handed out receipts!!) and the guy searched my purse.. Then the lady searches me.. runs her hands up and down my body more thoroughly than anyone from any airport ever has.. but I can't help being so damn sexy I suppose.. and I step into the club.. PARTY TIME!!!!

We walk into the club and when I look on the dance floor I realize that this is going to be the most entertaining night of my life... I can no longer feel bad for paying 12 for a club cause clearly my dozen went for the entertainment. Instead of it being a Girls Gone Wild party.. Im sure this party was sponsored by www.hotghettomess.com. The girls went anywhere from having nothing on to a t-shirt and sweat pants.. hair wasn't combed.. or it was 15 colors..

But it was a lesson in physics.. Girls holding on to their friends so they could back it up properly and men hold on to their friends so they could bend back and hit it just right. Footworking and the 40s.. (what is the 40s you ask... the craziest dance you'll ever see... but you know chicago has a style all its own) I think the outfits were the best... Men in light up sunglasses in red, yellow, green and blue.. Airbrush t-shirts commemorating anything and everything and I just sat there juking in my chair and hoping that I didnt see anyone i knew... the bar was closed so I couldnt even work on my buzz. The music was good, I enjoyed the songs.. nice hits and jams.. but it was not my scene. My cousin and her friends just sat there amazed that they had spent their money on the wackest place in chicago... I was cracking up at men on the prowl.. girls that were thirsty and the random white dude that looked crazy.. but was managing to get a plethora of girls to back it up on him.

This is what sociology should be about... and I wonder if the Precious parties and 370 (was that their name?) were like that... Either way that shit was crazy! First and last time for me!! Anyway.. I am off to be sexy on the northside...

It's the Chicago in me

?

People tell me all the time that I am rude/blunt/cold. They describe instances to illustrate this point.. but even with "evidence" I still dont see it.

For example:

Friend: Can you do me a favor?
Me: Depends on what it is.
Friend: Damn... it's like that.
Me: What?
Friend: That was cold.

What?? I mean, I am not going to say yes and they you want me to drive to Iowa to pick up your boo from jail.. or babysit your neice with you.. or anything that I don't feel like doing. Whats rude about making it clear that my consent is dependant on the request?

Nothing.

Example 2:
(on the phone)

Me: Alright I have to go.
Friend: Okay, I'm gonna call you later tonight.
Me: Okay
Friend: Are you going to pick up the phone?
Me: Maybe.
Friend: Why do you have to be so rude?
Me: What?? I cannot guarantee i will pick up the phone... it's not rude for me to tell you that./
Friend: well most people would just say yes.
Me: Ahhhh, and you must remember.. I am not most people.

Okay maybe that last sentence I can leave out.... but the first part makes perfect sense.. why consent to something that you can't guarantee.. I am a woman of my word.. soI cant say something I'm not going to do.. why should i... And how is it RUDE for me to say so?

I was struggling with this.. thinking hey.. maybe I am rude. Maybe I am too cold. I was pretty much sure that i was right and my friends are wrong.. Because I've gone my whole life with at least one or two homies.. if I were a jerk wouldnt they say peace out? I just say what I mean and mean what I say.

I started to think that maybe it was a chicago thing since I've been back and have been getting "courted." Its so different in chicago. Men in Chicago just say it.."I wanna take you out. what are you doing friday?" "Or I want you to be my wife" or "So when are you gonna let me hit?" I mean clearly the last one is a joke.. But they just say what they want.. I was relaying this to a friend of mine who is from Chicago but has recently relocated.. and maybe in chicago we just say what we want... and so we are used to it and to us it's not rude. But the rest of the world may think so. And they may get mad when we say answers they don't want. But I am not cold. I smile all the time and talk to people. I am not rude. I say please and thank you and excuse me when necessary. I hold doors for people and help old ladies across the street.. (i mean I would if I saw an old lady who needed help.. theoretically) and I am not mean!! I just don't want you to think that i am gonna do somethign I might not do.... or that I like things I don't... and i don't think it's rude just because people don't get answers they want to hear!


Or maybe I'm just an asshole from way back.. trying to make excuses about being honest when I am a plain jerk! You tell me.

CHECKMATE!!

wishing
wanting
wondering
why
won't
you
want
me

Want:
To desire greatly
To seek with intent to
capture
Do I really want?
Do I want you to want me?
I don't intend to capture
you.
I dont want you
Don't want me.

wondering
why
I
wonder
when
all the while
I
don't
want to be wanted
I want
to be
adored.

Adore: to worship, exalt.
Not exactly exhalted.
I am wrong
wanting
worship
from someone who I want to be Saved.

How
will
I
find
what
I
want
when
I don't know myself?

When

I do not know who you are
how to find you
or
what I want from you
wherever
whoever
you may be.

Will you have the answers
to the questions
that i dont know
how to ask?

Guess who's bizzack?


Light skinned men!!!!!
Yes! Or maybe they never left. Now I will admit to holding on to the fact that Morris "sexual chocolate" Chestnut is the finest man that has been ever born unto this Earth,
but I must admit... last night I was blessed by seeing hella fine light skinned dudes.. And being enraptured by them.. Like hello..what have I been thinking.. yella might be betta.. light might be right!!!

Actually, in truth, I must say... Light skinned and dark skinned have both always been in. I mean I look at sexy men all the time and they have a nice range.. I guess I don't really have a type.. maybe a type that I like to date and be serious with... but if we are just talking about sexy... hmmmm I've been known to call out white dudes who (if I were devoid of my own personal standards of conduct) I would take in the back for about..hmmm say...15 mins. 20...alright 45..

For example.. Dr. McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy. Forget McDreamy. I'm talking about McSteamy...












Holla!!!! This is officially my boo and i hear that he is coming back to Grey's Anatomy next season.. so I can get my vanilla fix every THURSDAY (cause GA is changing its schedule, take note) I don't mind a little leche in my cafe! Teehee

Ahh.. all this to say I love sexy men.. white black yellow puertorican or haitian.....holla!!

Something about the style, the swagger, voice, good conversation, pretty teeth, a nice behind, a style of dress.. any and all can make a gentleman drop dead sexy... and also... sexy abs.. 6 or 8 packs.. dont hurt, not even a little :-D

Ahh and my secret lust.. men with glasses.. put them on.. wear them proud.. Myopics of the world.. unite.

Did I also mention I love a nerd... yes!!





Sweet Home Chicago


Ahhhh this last week has been a whirlwind!

Recap: Road trip from Georgia to Illinois. It was my first roadtrip and I had a good time. We made it through Georgia, Tennessee, and Kentucky and saw some interesting sights. Okay not really, but it was really pretty going through the mountains. We stopped at the Caesars Indiana Casino and Resort and gambled and went away with nothing. I am convinced the only way to look at casinos is as expensive arcades.. but I know video poker is clearly more addictive and the quarter lasts not nearly as long as Ms. Pacman. Either way I had a good time and met a nice guy who hit the royal flush and bought us long islands.. Fabulous night..

Then another 4 hours through Indiana and welcome to Chicago!!!

Chicago, Chicago, My Kinda Town!

Up in the Club!

Last night I was in the club with my girls, juking to the hottest jams. We got in free, which is always nice and had a couple drinks that were overpriced but did the trick. Then I'm dancing doing my thing to some Michael Jackson tunes (pre-litigation of course) and a man comes behind me.. and I'm dancing, he's dancing behind me.. alright cool.. and then I notice something protruding into my back..

Talk about a buzzkill.


Why do guys do this? I mean I know why they do it... clearly, it's a lapdance without having to travel to Strokers or Bodytap and in most cases without having to spend any money cause these dudes are rarely trying to buy drinks. But it's not a nice thing to do, or a gentlemanly thing to do at all. Now, maybe I am just picky and I could be in the minority. There could be a huge population of women who loooove feeling a penis poking into them as they dance.. and even better feeling the guy angle himself and them in the perfect way to better help him with his erection.

But I just can't get past it being kinda icky. Okay Okay, let me not be totally holier than thou.. I have been known to enjoy it when it's one of my suitors or someone I want to be my suitor.. then we can bump and grind all night long boo... But random dudes in the club do not do it for me and I guess the problem is for guys to discriminate between the two. Or maybe they don't care.. any booty is good booty?

Now do not get me wrong.. I love to dance.. and I will dance at the club with guys and we can sway and two step, step, dance close, slow dance, wind, back it up.. all of these things, and be perfectly happy as long as said gentleman can keep the beat and keep himself in check.. self control. It should be kinda embarrasing.. I mean if I'm dancing and my breasts pop out.. im not just going to rub them against folks in the club.. I'm gonna take a step back and handle myself.

Meh. Maybe this is something we can't solve and maybe if I don't want penis protruding into my backside, I should stop being so gosh darn pretty, amazingly sexy and exceedingly fly on the dance floor. Maybe it's a great compliment.. Something like. "Shawtay, you are so hot.. that i want to be intimate with you in any way possible... even if its just this slow grind."

----------------
Awww, but on another note, there was this guy in the club last night and I told him I was leaving town in two days so there was no hope for us. And he says the cutest thing. "Well, I want to write you. " Awwwwwwww.. Most dudes cant manage to call when they say, but he wants to write... how heartwarming. Then i remembered that I didn't find him attractive and decided not to waste his time. But that was nice.

----------------
There are plenty fish in the sea and the wonderful thing is.. all I need is one!