I went to see a play tonight, Crumbs from the Table of Joy and it was amazing.. as i sat in the theatre I was amazed by the whole production. I was amazed by how art can be so touching in the simplest of ways. I realize that all emotion is universal and compassion is essential. I am moved by the artists who are able to find that thread in the words, characters and actors and weave it through the audience creating one energy.

True art makes attempts pale in comparison. Ella Joyce is amazing. She is fantastic. It amazing how so much black art is gone unnoticed in popular media. I sat engrossed in the story and delighted by the work and wondered why I let my mind rot away with reality TV. Then I thought about how funny it is when people stop being polite and stop getting real. Either way I vowed to make it a mission to see more plays and musicals because they inspire me in a way that other art forms do not. At the curtain call, I always look at the actors and think of the happiness they must feel to be living their dream and to be celebrated for it. Entertainment is cut throat and unforgiving and to see actors be so excellent and so amazing and so inspired each night is a part of the meaning of life.. I am sure. (you can see I am now obsessed with the meaning of life). I had tears in my eyes, so happy for them that they were so happy to be doing what they do so beautifully.

My favorite quote: "Choose your battles wisely. A nappy head in this world is like raising the white flag to surrender." LOL


I like the phrase. "Im a grown ass woman" I think its kinda funny and makes a good point when necessary.. Mostly I use it with my friends to rebut their requests of me... But I'm thinking.. Im never gonna be grown. cause if Im grown then I dont have anywhere else to go but down.. and my journey is about bigger and better.. I dont want to shrink in my adulthood or let my head get big with delusional thoughts of being complete. This human journey is not under my control, so if i want to survive with my sanity and happiness intact I gotta grow.. I have to keep growing. I have to strive for more. Part of that is growing pains but with that i'll be stronger, i'll be better and I'll have more to give to those who love me and with that i'll be happy, secure, and more who God has intended for me to be. So I ain't grown.. i'm just me.. striving to grow with each opportunity.


Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.

I am currently striving.

The War on Drugs.

Last night, I fell asleep watching the History Channel. There was a very interesting special on the illegalization of drugs in the United States. Did you know that what led to cocaine becoming an illegal narcotic was politicians from southern states saying that when black men take cocaine they get so high and sexually charged that they cant help but rape every white woman in sight?? Insane. Absolutely Insane.. but they bought this shit hook line and sinker and made cocaine illegal. Yet somehow, Coca-Cola still has managed to keep itself addictive, but that is neither here or there. It is also interesting that cocaine has a 17000% profit margin.. yup the amount of cocaine they can make for a dollar in Columbia will sell for 17000 dollars in the United States. Isn't that crazy?? Like the war on drugs can ever win, when money like that is possible.

To quote my nigga Young Jeezy.. okay he's clearly not my nigga, but you can say that when you are talking about those kinda rappers. I think they prefer it?

"It's kinda hard being drug free, when Georgia Power won't give a nigga lights free."

TRUE!!! Aint nobody helping me! Aight, my momma is, but that is neither here nor there. The point being.. if you dont have any guidance, zero job skills and a minimal education how can I not understand if you #1) sell drugs to make the money to give to Georgia Power, or PG&E or ComEd depending on where you stay. or 2) Get high all the time cause you aint got no electricity.. that's rough!!

Now let me clear this up, I do not condone selling drugs or using them (well i dont really care about weed, but that's a different story) because I do think that using cocaine, crack (check out Whitney) and heroin can really mess you up. I mean that stuff is rough! But from what I hear the effects are nice if you aint got nothing to live for. I mean if you are empty on the inside and then crack gives you, what users call, a body orgasm... can I hate? I mean yes, clearly I can.. I'm just saying I kinda understand.

The government started the War on Drugs because soldiers that they drafted to go to Vietnam were using heroin heavily. I mean, in a war zone in that hot ass jungle, I might be shooting up too. I can't say it would beyond me.. that's gotta be real. Sometimes I'm scared driving through the PJs at dusk.. let alone for real for true war. So they start this War on Drugs stuff which is fake, I mean Just Say No? Okay... sure.. got ya... I'll try it now, and then if I dont like it.. i'll say no the next time. But they say that this program, headed by good ole Nancy Reagan, met moderate success. I'm sure most of us remember D.A.R.E. in school, but when I was first handed a joint, I can't say I was thinking about those ways to still be cool, but say no... cause I wasnt worried about being cool.. I was like.. hmm sure.. let's give it a whirl.

And the current ads are so much worse.. I mean "Music is my anti-drug"?? Really? Most music talks about the joys of being high!! One time, I was in the car with my mom and one of those "Basketball is my anti-drug" commercials came on.. and my mom turns to me, 19 and on vacation from college, and asked, "What is your anti-drug?" The question was so ridiculous, I had to respond, "Alcohol." She wasn't pleased.. LOL but either way, that antidrug conversation is silly...And then there were those great commercials with the people smoking weed and then forgetting to pick their siblings up from practice and running over that girl in the parking lot cause they were high... more hilarious than scary. And now teens are striving to be above the influence... okay. we'll see how that works.

Lucky for me, I can get high on life. I act a fool all day long... but a nice stiff drink at times doesn't hurt...not one bit!! :-D And it's all good, cause thankfully... i'm grown!

From the Archives..

This is before I had a blog.. but its funny.. and I figured i'd take it out of e-mail anonymity and place it for the world to see.. hahahahahahah enjoy..

From Jan 13, 2006 :

Okay... so i clearly need to be back in school ASAP because i have nothing to do but surf the internet... but in the process.. i find the most disturbing things.. Most of them involve Star Jones... so I will compile all of my Star findings for you all as a courtesy to help you through work, job..whatever it is you are doing that is productive for society.. with a little bit of laughter :-D

As we all know, Ms. Jones released a book earlier this month.. last week maybe.. well here are excerpts.. if you have read them before.. dont be shy.. read them again they will be just as funny....

"At a party on Nov. 13, 2003, a man took my arm and said, "You're not just going to pass me by." This man with skin the color of cooked butter, the most beautiful lips and the deepest brown eyes on the planet continued, "I saw you once at a party five years ago and was too hesitant to approach you, but I'm braver this time." I was charmed out of my wits. I looked into those chocolate eyes, and I literally heard a bell ring – just like my mother said it would.

"On date one, Al presented me with a CD of songs with the word "star" in them. More important was date two. We'd gone to church and come back to my apartment for a home-cooked meal. Al took my hands and said the words I'll never forget: "I'm not looking for temporary." Whooooaaa. "Well, I'm also not interested in sport dating," I answered. From that moment on, we started thinking of ourselves as two parts of a penny. We'd talk on the phone till 4 in the morning. I left singing messages on his voice mail. He covered the floor of my living room with roses. I was madly in love. The first time he held me in his arms sexually, it was almost frightening because we knew our erotic interest in each other could take over every other thing. So we had an intoxicatingly sexual connection the first two months of our relationship. And we talked seriously about marriage. Because we knew this was all moving too quickly, we wanted to bring a spiritual adviser into the relationship. It wasn't an easy decision. We both knew the first thing he'd say was, "To test this relationship, you must be celibate until marriage.

They consulted a pastor, who said just that.

"He told us that this period of abstinence would, in many ways, insure our ability to be faithful after marriage. The first two months we were celibate, it was kind of whimsical – like, "Oooh – look, we're doin' it." I mean, Al is a beautiful man. He's got the legs of a stallion. He'd be a perfect Ralph Lauren model.

"We both probably had the hardest time during the next two months. The last two months we grew even closer than I'd ever dreamed possible."

On Nov. 13, 2004, they wed. Star's goal had been to weigh less than her groom that day – and she did.

"Today we celebrate our love every waking moment. When I'm all dressed up, Al will say to me in the sexiest voice, "Let 'em have it, Ms. Jones."

"Baby, you are the Man," I answer.

"Thank you, baby," he says.

And I'll say, "Babe, did you make any money today?"

And he'll say, "Yeah, I think I might have made a little bit of money."

And I say, "Did you go buy your wife something? Because your wife likes pretty things."

And he'll say, "I know my wife likes pretty things. Didn't I give you that big old diamond ring?"

And I'll say, "Ooh, that was last year."

So we toast each other with humor and appreciation and respect.

Al and I were really tested during our engagement period. One day we would read in the press that Al was out gallivanting with a bunch of women. The next day, we'd read a story questioning his sexuality. I remember my husband saying to me, "Baby, what am I today?" And me answering, "Just who you were yesterday, baby." The attacks on the nature of our relationships never bothered me because I knew this man. Al would give me strength, and I'd give him strength, and we prayed every morning and every evening. And we still do. People ask me how Al felt when I lost weight. One day, I asked [him]. He thought for a bit, and then he said, "It takes some getting used to, your thinner body beside me, because it's not the same body I fell in love with."

How sweet is that?

Star Jones is gross and absolutely delusional!!!!!! here is my favorite excerpt....

"About a week later, in bed, I said to him, 'Honey, you have on your T-shirt - are you cold?' And he, whom most people consider to have one of the most gorgeous bodies on the planet - those shoulders - answered me by saying, 'I just don't look as good naked as you do."

yeah right not in this universe.. I guess those are the things you have to do when you dont wanna press your homosexual body against Star Jones.. make up blatant lies to prevent any sleeping together... Even suggest abstinence till marriage... "Yes, Star we should be celibate to test our relationship and grow closer (and so that I don't have to sleep with you because I'm not really into the vadge)." Very Brokeback if you ask me.. And I would like to share a picture to illustrate the point!

Goodness gracious.. all that animal erotic interest.. and someone doesnt look interested.. not to mention who the hell gives public lap dances at 40+??????????? She is the worst..
Have a great day!

Rhythm Nation 2006!!!

Janet Jackson is back!!! And I am too excited. It has been a rough couple of years for me and J. I mean when there was alot I had to forgive her for.. Like ruining the sales of Damita Jo cause of the SuperBowl. I mean I was jammin to the performance. Janet and my sexy vanilla.. JT... and then BAM...Nipple City. I knew the tour was out of the window as soon as it happen and I was pissed. I mean I needed a Damita Jo tour.. It didn't happen and I didn't get to see my J in action for dang... 5 years.

Then to find out that she was with Jermaine Dupri.. I mean he is a dope producer, but he is not, by any means, the sexiest man I've ever seen in my life... He must be the nicest, sweetest man.. and be able to lay a mean pipe to be able to hang with J... But I must admit they do seem happy and in love and at least they aren't bullshitting with some secret marriage stuff like the did that that other dude... JD even stuck with her when she was a solid 200 pounds... And that was no joke... Nope.. i'm not putting that picture up...I aint playing my J out like tha... Because Janet is doing the damn thing now.. Janet is clearly the best. She has the best abs... try to say something...

Janet has been killin em and she is back to do it again. Twenty Years Old comes out in September, but you can check out the new single, Call on Me ft Nelly.. It should be on radio now and the video will filmed in LA soon... I am too excited. Janet is about to tear the club up and hit the tour.. and I will be there in every city (okay 1) to check her show... me and J.. reunited and it feels soooooo good. Okay back to reality.

The Meaning of Life

I have been thinking alot about the meaning of life recently. I was out watering the grass and was looking at the birds and the trees and I even saw a magic black squirrel.. Okay not magic, but black squirrels are rare in these parts. And as I'm watering the grass I started to think about what is the most important thing in my life... and it all came down to one thing.. relationships. I value all of the relationships in my life, from my friends to acquaintances to people I haven't talked to in years. My play family and my real family.. people who I admire from afar and am enamored with up close... I love that human connection and that has to be the best part of life because it is automatic.

I first started thinking about this when my baby girl was born. My cousin gave birth to the cutest baby in the whole wide world last year and I just fell in love with her instantly. When I look at her my heart melts and I buy her all kinds of things. I was wondering why is this love automatic. She is a very sweet baby, but she doesn't give me all of the things that I look for in adult relationships. The love I have for her is constant. Even when she wont come to me and when she cries and even when she tried to kick me in the face, I love her still. That is what life is about.

These connections are automatic, like when you meet someone at a party and wonder why you are just becoming friends, why did it take you so long to find out how great that person was. I had a moment that spoke so clearly to this over the weekend. One of my Ultimates had a birthday party in Philly last week. I told her I was not coming because I couldnt afford it, but I surprised her anyway.. I was giddy the entire weekend and when I walked into the party and she saw me... She looked, then her eyes registered that it was me... and it was so exciting. It was her excitement, the love we share for one another all expressed in that moment which makes me know that human connection has to be what its all about. Yeah, she would love me still if i didn't come to the party and it would have been all good... but its the love for someone that tells you that you cant miss their party,.. and its the gratitude that they feel when you show up that makes all the drama of life worth it.

I often think about how fun it is to be standing in the line someone and strike up a cool conversation with a complete stranger about everything or anything and then you bid farewell, but with a smile on your face. I always think.. there it is! This is it! I mean we all know that humans are social creatures and if we dont have social connections we will go crazy... I think that's why I teach, I get to have that human connection everyday... its also what makes it so hard because teaching is so personal... each day you are interfacing with little people who have moods and attitudes and their own agenda in the classroom... and it can be hard to not take it personally when they dont give two hot hells what you are talking about.. but when they do, its priceless!!

The song is right when it says "love is all we need" because money can't rule the world and when things get dramatic, and difficult, as life takes its toll on us.. its the love that keeps us whole. Thats why when I hold my little baby girl and she smiles at me, nothing else matters, the problems melt away and its just me and her.

An Inconvenient Truth

So, I was supposed to go see The Breakup last week.. but due to it being ridiculously popular... I went to go see An Inconvenient Truth and it changed my life..

For those of you who are not familiar.. An Inconvenient Truth is Al Gore's movie discussing the issue of global warming and the problems that it is causing now and will cause on the planet. All of these things will effect humankind.. and all of these things are caused my human kind. It changed my life for a number of reasons.

1. I had no idea that global warming was a real problem, and the film made me realize, not only is it a REAL problem.. it is a HUGE problem! It is a problem that we cannot ignore any longer. It is causing the intensification of hurricane seasons.. leading to more hurricanes and stronger hurricanes. Glaciers, lakes and mountaintop snow are all melting which is leading to horrible environmental issues that are affecting human populations. Lake Chad is almost gone. There is no snow at the top of Mount Kilimanjaro.. and the glaciers are melting.. polar bears are drowning because they cant find any ice.. and humans are responsible.

2. I am responsible! Yes I do have a car that is easy on gas mileage.. and I don't drive that far or that much..but I am not ecofriendly by any means... I turn on lights that i dont use... in my dorm room I would leave everything on cause I wasn't paying for it.. But I realize now that I will be paying for it in the long run.. Either me or my children who will live in a world with torrential climates and unpredictible conditions.. A couple of degrees does not seem like alot in the grand scheme of things in the world.. but believe me. It is. Forget it.. believe Al Gore, he doesnt have an reason to lie.

3. I am making active changes. I am turning off lights I don't need and saving water. I am unplugging my charger for my phone and my computer when I am not using them because that uses energy which emits more and more CO2 in the air.. which is killing us softly. I am also going to start recycling because that is renewable energy.. There are tons of things that we can do.. but awareness is the first.. Go see An Inconvenient Truth.. check the website.

After you check the website.. we gotta check ourselves cause when we ruin the planet there is nothing else we can do... at all. The energy lobbies are playing us hard.. we are paying 3.00 per gallon for gas that is killing the earth... using cars that suck it up. This is for real. It is crisis time. It is up to us to intervene.

I got ho(mie)s in different area codes

I wish that everyone in my life lived in one place. I mean think about it, if all of my homies could move to Atlanta or Chicago then I could have allll of my homies right there with me all the time. Yeah e-mail and IM and phones make it so easy to stay in touch with people, but there is nothing like sitting down with someone and having a nice long conversation about life or tv.. whatever you know..

Moving from Chicago to Philly to Atlanta and now being back to Chicago has separated my life so much.. I have close friends in a bunch of states and even some who have moved overseas.. which i am not to keen about.. One of my close friends relocated to Israel.. and I dont have any clue when the next time I am going to see her...

It's so funny how the grass is always greener, cause when i was at school and most of my homies did all live in one place, I was forever trying to figure out how I could get away... how I could walk down the street and be anonymous and have my own time... I was dreaming of a day when I could just live by myself... and now I miss it.. I miss the companionship.. but mostly i am sick of having to fly to other cities to see my homies.. or having them take off work to come see me somewhere.. that kind stuff doesnt work too well in the working world.

I miss my homies.. but I get to see alot of them this summer which is fabulous.. awww but to my homies all over the world.. I miss you.. holla at me.

Go Sit Down!!

To artists who dont have anything to say!! This song is the truth!
Hit it India!!

What if?

Life is full of what ifs. What if I had asked for help? What if I said I love you? What if I would have just kept my mouth shut? There are tons of what if and part of making decisions is knowing that there is always a what if... Another choice that could have possibly led to another outcome. The what if moments that resonate are those that occur after overanalyzing the situation and weighing the pros and cons... then finally making a decision while full of apprehension.
I always wonder.. what if I would have gone for the kiss...
There is that moment, so rare that it takes our breath away each time, but so common that we have all experienced it.. When your eyes take hol d of someone else's gaze and you feel a swirl of emotion go from head to toe.
Butterflies flutter and spines tingle... The gaze feels so right that you cannot let go, but its so frightening that you know you cannot hold on to it forever...
It's in that moment, right when my stomach starts to drop that I always want to go in for a kiss. I want to get the courage to lean in and experience that connection fully. But I never have, because the choice to go forward leads to another list of what ifs?
What if he doesn't feel the same way?
What if I get rejected?
What will her boyfriend say?
What if someone sees?
What if the only one who feels this energy is me?
So, I've never gone for it. Maybe next time I will.
Drunk with courage, not alcohol.
Full of passion.
who knows when the next time could be.. but I'm ready.

New Growth

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a perm.

Not a curly perm.. I guess I should use the correct terminology.

I have a relaxer. I relax my hair every 6 weeks religiously. Cept, I dont have a stylist in Chicago right now, so I havent been able to get my do fried dyed and laid to the side.. Soooo I have 7 weeks of new growth.
My hair is naturally thick, and I tie it down every night. Today, during the day, I was bored so I decided I should wrap my hair so it will lay down in case I go out with weekend, I wont be looking such a hot mess... Well, I did that.. and then I had to go the garage and I took out my wrap.

AND DAMN does new growth hurt when you try to comb it out..... I mean it hurts. Like acid on your scalp.. or a rug burn. I dont know how to describe, but I imagine every black girl knows what im talking about, at least once.. MY temples are still pounding from where I had to brush it down...

Why does new growth hurt so bad.. is it punishment for trying to change my hair in the first place? Well that is cruel, but beauty hurts!

Alright enough bitchin.. next week i can get my relaxer and be dead sexier.

Holla at me baby! <----the hottest song out!

oooh and.. l am not my hair!

The Gay Agenda

Fags and dykes should not be able to marry.
Dirty queers should leave their perversion unsanctioned by the government.
You agree with me.
Of course you do.
Who couldn’t?
It’s wrong… being gay, queer, lesbian, transgendered, bisexual is all wrong because it says so in the Bible.
It is in the Bible.
Definitely in the Bible.
Leviticus 18:22
Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."
Liberals are assholes, who don’t believe in God.
They want gay marriage and they don’t want the war!
Both of these are to protect us all.
Protect the true patriots and real red blooded Americans.
These colors don’t run.
That is why we have to stay in Iraq.
We must get Osama.
It’s in the Bible.
“Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy.”
Now that is in the Book of Matthew!!
Hate thine enemy!
Kill Osama, Kill Iraqis
And now its time to kill Iranians too.
We must do these things to protect our country
To protect everything it means to be an American.. one nation under God!!
“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; that ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."
Again.. Book of Matthew..
Making it righteous and clear that Iraqi’s have given us no choice!
Wait… SHIT
Jesus said to love your enemies
But you can love and kill right? Kill someone you love.. people do it all the time
Betty Broderick
The Menendez Brothers
They are all in jail.
Should George Bush be in jail? I am going to get on the watch list because of this.
But we will get the gays…
Federal Marriage Amendment
On it’s way!
Cause they can’t get married.
America still wins.
They won’t be able to adopt children
Or leave their assets to one another
They don’t get benefits from their partner’s jobs.
If they go to the hospital, their partner can’t come in.
Unless they live in Communist Massachusetts!
Forever -crooked.
They can’t be the straight.
It will ruin marriage
Straights are the only ones who can keep the divorce rate at a steady
50 percent
Who the fuck do they think they are trying to infringe on that sanctity.
Well I tell you this.
Not on my watch.
In my voting booth
When I pull back that curtain

Fathers and Mothers who serve as fathers...

I haven't celebrated Father's Day in 10 years, since my own father died. I have gotten cards for my uncles and my grandfather. That turned out to be a good idea because my uncle said that he never got a card from someone who wasn't his child and to get a card from us meant alot. That was the Father's Day before he passed away.

While Father's Day hasn't been a huge part of my life, I am intrigued the Father's Day Brunch for Fathers and Mothers who serve as fathers. Now, I know that there are a lot of single mothers out there who are the only parent that plays any role in their children's lives. I know that there are a lot of triflin men who know that they have children yet make the decision to have nothing to do with them. But I do not know if I feel like a mother can really serve as a father for kids.

My father was active in my life before he passed, and that relationship is very different from the role that my mother played before and since. She has been a wonderful supportive parent. She has given me the skills and confidence to accomplish my goals and all the TLC a child could want, but I don't think that she filled that role of father once my father passed away. I dont think anyone can be a father but a man.

How can you be both mother and father? Though I don't feel like I am at a huge disadvantage in life because I lacked my father as a adolescent, but I can admit that I don't understand the role that father's play in the lives of their daughters as they go from girl to woman. My relationship with my mother has changed so much in the last ten years, and I dont knowwhat kind of metamorphosis my relationship with my father could have had.

I can't imagine that it's doing a service to our community by saying that Mothers can serve as Fathers. So many kids will say, "I don't have a father." So many single mother's say, "I am his mother and his father" but that kinda states that life is alright without a father. That as mother's we can do it all alone. But that's not true. I want my children to have a father who is active and proud, who can balance the family. I want a father who teach my children how to do stuff I don't know how to do, whether it be sports, mechanics, working on cars..."guy" stuff.

If something happens, I don't think I can serve as a father and I know that i will have to bring men into my life who can serve as father figures to my children. Who can give them advice on how to be a man and take responsibility and how to be a woman and read through the bullshit that men come up with (ok. I guess I can have that discussion too.)

Either way I think that we are fooling ourselves by carrying on the delusion that mothers can be fathers to their children. and maybe that is what makes so many women get pregnant without any consideration of who the father might be just because they want a baby and then end up on maury or are just telling their children you dont have a father.

None of this is to judge single mothers or single fathers because I think that children can thrive in any family arrangement that is grounded in love and support. But i think a spade is still a spade.. and I dont want to even attempt to serve as a father. I just want to be a good mother, as my mother has done for me.


This is the response that I got from my friend last night when I txted her to ask "Why am I at the Jaguar on College Night?"

Clearly I am insane. My baby cousin is in town. She is a baby and has not yet celebrated her 21st birthday. So that limited our pickins of social venues on a Sunday night. Now, since I've been 21, I have eliminated anything with the words "college night" "18 to enter, 21 to drink" because I mean.. I'm grown. So, for the past 2 years me and my cousin have usually hung out during the day or at her house at night, but I broke my rule because she was only in town for a minute and I wanted to spend a little time with her. I should have followed my gut!!

11:00- the insanity begins.. We walk up to the door and the cover was 12 dollars.. 12 dollars? First, why is there a cover for any club out in the 100s. and Second... 12? I'm accustomed to the cover being some multiple of 5. 12 dollars made me immediately feel like I was going into WY homecoming "Watch the Water, Here Come the Dolphins." But it wasn't because J-Ball and Renz would not have let half those outfits into the gym on any night.

While waiting to pay, I see that there is a sign that says, "No cameras allowed, photographer on premises" Oooh shit.. and this was written in magic marker... What kinda place doesn't let you take your own damn pictures? Then I look to my right and realize... the same kinda place that would provide you with an airbrush background featuring a Mercedes and a private plane on a runway. I knew it was going to be a long night..

All this time I am looking at the bright side and thinking that maybe cause I've been drinking the entire ride over, it could be a fun/entertaining night. Anyway, I have my singles out and I look around and see that there are pictures of a variety of women mounted on top of a huge gold Jaguar in the foyer... Women of all the wrong shapes and sizes for this kind of thing... Skirts that were up way too high and nasty thongs showing... like a cheap Black Bike Weekend.. Well.. I hand the lady the cover, get a receipt (yes they handed out receipts!!) and the guy searched my purse.. Then the lady searches me.. runs her hands up and down my body more thoroughly than anyone from any airport ever has.. but I can't help being so damn sexy I suppose.. and I step into the club.. PARTY TIME!!!!

We walk into the club and when I look on the dance floor I realize that this is going to be the most entertaining night of my life... I can no longer feel bad for paying 12 for a club cause clearly my dozen went for the entertainment. Instead of it being a Girls Gone Wild party.. Im sure this party was sponsored by The girls went anywhere from having nothing on to a t-shirt and sweat pants.. hair wasn't combed.. or it was 15 colors..

But it was a lesson in physics.. Girls holding on to their friends so they could back it up properly and men hold on to their friends so they could bend back and hit it just right. Footworking and the 40s.. (what is the 40s you ask... the craziest dance you'll ever see... but you know chicago has a style all its own) I think the outfits were the best... Men in light up sunglasses in red, yellow, green and blue.. Airbrush t-shirts commemorating anything and everything and I just sat there juking in my chair and hoping that I didnt see anyone i knew... the bar was closed so I couldnt even work on my buzz. The music was good, I enjoyed the songs.. nice hits and jams.. but it was not my scene. My cousin and her friends just sat there amazed that they had spent their money on the wackest place in chicago... I was cracking up at men on the prowl.. girls that were thirsty and the random white dude that looked crazy.. but was managing to get a plethora of girls to back it up on him.

This is what sociology should be about... and I wonder if the Precious parties and 370 (was that their name?) were like that... Either way that shit was crazy! First and last time for me!! Anyway.. I am off to be sexy on the northside...

It's the Chicago in me


People tell me all the time that I am rude/blunt/cold. They describe instances to illustrate this point.. but even with "evidence" I still dont see it.

For example:

Friend: Can you do me a favor?
Me: Depends on what it is.
Friend: Damn... it's like that.
Me: What?
Friend: That was cold.

What?? I mean, I am not going to say yes and they you want me to drive to Iowa to pick up your boo from jail.. or babysit your neice with you.. or anything that I don't feel like doing. Whats rude about making it clear that my consent is dependant on the request?


Example 2:
(on the phone)

Me: Alright I have to go.
Friend: Okay, I'm gonna call you later tonight.
Me: Okay
Friend: Are you going to pick up the phone?
Me: Maybe.
Friend: Why do you have to be so rude?
Me: What?? I cannot guarantee i will pick up the phone... it's not rude for me to tell you that./
Friend: well most people would just say yes.
Me: Ahhhh, and you must remember.. I am not most people.

Okay maybe that last sentence I can leave out.... but the first part makes perfect sense.. why consent to something that you can't guarantee.. I am a woman of my word.. soI cant say something I'm not going to do.. why should i... And how is it RUDE for me to say so?

I was struggling with this.. thinking hey.. maybe I am rude. Maybe I am too cold. I was pretty much sure that i was right and my friends are wrong.. Because I've gone my whole life with at least one or two homies.. if I were a jerk wouldnt they say peace out? I just say what I mean and mean what I say.

I started to think that maybe it was a chicago thing since I've been back and have been getting "courted." Its so different in chicago. Men in Chicago just say it.."I wanna take you out. what are you doing friday?" "Or I want you to be my wife" or "So when are you gonna let me hit?" I mean clearly the last one is a joke.. But they just say what they want.. I was relaying this to a friend of mine who is from Chicago but has recently relocated.. and maybe in chicago we just say what we want... and so we are used to it and to us it's not rude. But the rest of the world may think so. And they may get mad when we say answers they don't want. But I am not cold. I smile all the time and talk to people. I am not rude. I say please and thank you and excuse me when necessary. I hold doors for people and help old ladies across the street.. (i mean I would if I saw an old lady who needed help.. theoretically) and I am not mean!! I just don't want you to think that i am gonna do somethign I might not do.... or that I like things I don't... and i don't think it's rude just because people don't get answers they want to hear!

Or maybe I'm just an asshole from way back.. trying to make excuses about being honest when I am a plain jerk! You tell me.



To desire greatly
To seek with intent to
Do I really want?
Do I want you to want me?
I don't intend to capture
I dont want you
Don't want me.

all the while
want to be wanted
I want
to be

Adore: to worship, exalt.
Not exactly exhalted.
I am wrong
from someone who I want to be Saved.

I don't know myself?


I do not know who you are
how to find you
what I want from you
you may be.

Will you have the answers
to the questions
that i dont know
how to ask?