Write... Right?

“Why am I compelled to write?... Because the world I create in the writing compensates for what the real world does not give me. By writing I put order in the world, give it a handle so I can grasp it. I write because life does not appease my appetites and anger... To become more intimate with myself and you. To discover myself, to preserve myself, to make myself, to achieve self-autonomy. To dispell the myths that I am a mad prophet or a poor suffering soul. To convince myself that I am worthy and that what I have to say is not a pile of shit... Finally I write because I'm scared of writing, but I'm more scared of not writing.”

I'm scared almost every time I pick up the pencil or pen, but I can't stop myself from doing it.  Each time i sit thinking I should write, but I find myself hesitating, but I know that without writing, I won't be able to release the tension, the pressure of emotions that won't be okay until they spill onto the page. 

I write to find my way. Through journals and letters, pages of poetry and prose, I have found a way to at least in some ways clear the cobwebs from my mind. I read and re-read what I write and in it I find corners of myself that would be so easily forgotten were they not marked with the permanence of the written word. 

When I write, I understand how I feel and in so many ways I read back those thoughts and emotions in such an amazing way that is brilliantly poetic and so many times I impress myself.  The fact that I've been writing about the depth of depression and anxiety and the way that it permeates every aspect of my life from my job to my body to my relationships and my life. It is so much of who I am. But those are the parts that I so desperately want to get rid of. How can you embrace the flaws that have affected your life so profoundly and that you know are not going anywhere?