Race

I've been running a race for 3 and a half years and it's almost over, and I am on the final stretch. My heart feels like it's about to explode. my head feels like it's floating. Everything hurts. It's all racing so hard. I don't feel like me. I don't feel like who I am, who i want to be or who I used to be. I feel detached from the world. and everything feels distant. Everything feels elusive. and I want everything to just pause so I can catch my breath. Drowning.

It feels like an exaggeration, but I almost drowned in a pool when I was 10. I was too stubborn to stay in the shallow end, when I knew I couldn't swim well enough... The plan was to hold on to the rope. but I went under and the water took me out too far and I couldn't' find the rope when I came back up. I remember feeling panicked, and gasping for breath, but probably most telling, and I remember feeling so stupid because I knew better.  Why didn't I use my good sense? My brain in the midst of regret and shame while my body was gasping for air.  Then as quickly as I lost myself underwater, I felt my feet touch the tile. It was over.  But it's never over.   That memory runs through my mind more often than it should 27 years later. In a montage of stupid choices I've made. and somehow I feel like I'm here, panicking right now, drowning, and just like before. it's my own fault. And even when I finally come up for air, I know that this feeling will follow me forever.