I hit the G-Spot on the Ocoee River

Soooo on Saturday, my church sponsored a group to go White Water Rafting at the Ocoee River in Tennessee.. I signed up a while ago and honestly in the middle of planning for the school year I hadn't thought about the trip until Friday... In my infinite wisdom, I decide that going out on Friday night was an awesome idea... that and a hot chic was going, sooooo you know I was down... So I go out Friday night.. and have a GREAT time.. food for another post... and get home at 4:00am.

****SIDEBAR**** I didnt get to sleep until 4:30 because I made the bombass gourmet grilled cheese... Pumpernickle bread with onion and caraway with olive oil on the bread instead of butter, filled with colby jack and cheddar cheese and then oooh schnap.. that is not it... I also added some great no nitrate smoked pepper turkey meat... 4 mins on the George Foreman and I was in drunken sleep heaven.. YES!!!

So I set the alarm to 6:30 understanding this is going to be a beast of a wake up call... and the alarm goes off and I snooze to the very last moment... and as I'm putting my clothes on my homie buzzes from the gate (I am such a good friend that I am taking my homie to the train so she can get to the airport).. So I'm up and at 'em.. and SO tired

But you dont want to hear about the einsteins bagel I ate, or the Lexus truck I rode in.. or the 2 hr ride.. You wanna hear about the action..so HERE WE GO!!

Our guide's name was Lauren.. She was a cute as a button woman with perfect teeth and trendy sunglasses who seemed more like a city girl than a white water raft mountain girl... Not to mention the fact that she had on a skirt... Talk about gangsta... I'm white water rafting in this skirt.. you better ask somebody.. So needless to say Lauren was already impressive...

So we get our instructions take our places in the boat and launch ourselves into the beauty of the Ocoee... We drift into what they call Bush Gardens... which made me giggle because something about all the stroking, and wet, and harder talk just made it seem kinda.. umm... risque...

LOL So we are riding along and Lauren managed to steer us into every single bush, rock, tree, embankment on the river.. I asked her.. "Is that a hidden camera in your glasses because I swear you are trying to make us the blooper reel..." I was worried this whole thing was gonna be a bumpy ride...

But as Im rowing myself down with my crew and looking at the rocks and trees and the river I realize this is perfect...

Someone asked Lauren about herself and come to find out she does it all.. She can steer a raft through Class 5 rapids (more on that later)... rent out a house, work at a hostel, do interior design and I'm sure that there was something else... So she's pretty much kick ass... don't let the skirt fool ya.. Lauren knows what she's doing... (maybe) LOL

Soooo hit the class 3 rapids..cool... a little wet, but I'm good... Class 4 rapids we decide to start calling out the strokes... Not with 1,2 like the other rafts.. .We are gonna scream "Stroke it, Stroke it" LMAO... So we Stroke it Stroke it.. and Lauren says Faster!! HAHAHAHA SO we add on Deeper, Harder, Longer....

We are going and going and we come to the bridge where the Olympic kayaking route was built in 1996... so this isn't a baby rapid... This is some for real Olympian ish.. I am already feeling like I am on Team USA!! WOOT WOOT....

So Lauren preps us.. this is NONSTOP rowing through the rapids.. there are safety lines if we fall out, buuuut that isn't gonna happen.. we are STROKIN IT!!!! We drift our raft towards our Class 5 rapid... and Its fun... Faster water.. stronger current.. im getting wetter and wetter (ha)... Lauren's calling out the strokes....

2 Forward
"stroke it, stroke it"
All forward
"stroke it, stroke it"


Wait.. what??? I'm looking all around and everyone is down.. so I try to get down and then I feel the boat moving... no control... somethings about to happen...



Wait Wait WaiT!!! The boat is not flat.. there is nothing under us... I'm horizontal.. oooooh schnap...

boooom I fly underwater... I'm soaking wet.. damn

I'm remembering the safety rules (because Lauren was so awesome in explaining them) Keep my nose and toes above water.. and let the water take you to safety.. grab the rope...

I find the rocks and keep my legs up... cautious not to let my knees get all scrapped up.. that is not sexy...

and there is a group of me reaching for me... I see one rope and can't grab it.. I see a paddle but can't grab it.. Mostly because one guy is screaming "SWIM, GIRL, SWIM!!! SWIM BABY"

Oh shit sir... am I supposed to be swimming.. I thought this was a jacuzzi.. Okay ass.. damn this is Class 5 rapids.. aint so easy...


SO I look frantically for my crewmates and we find each other and find out that everyone is okay and I'm pissed cause I';m thinking damn... wipe out... trip's over.. this SUCKS!

But a minute later..

OKAY!! We need 2 paddlers.. who's ready to go back in...

ME ME!!! I see Lauren at the helm and jump right in the boat ready to take on the OCOEE!!!

No paddle.. its somewhere down the river LOL But it's on!!!

We continue to raft... we find the rest of our crew and hit the rest of the rapids... sooo exhilirated by everything that we had been through and the fun of it all..

Author's Note: Lauren managed to NOT get tipped out of the boat, despite the rest of us biting the big one (ha another sex joke) .. and not because she was trying to save us.. .Only because she didnt wanna have to buy a case of beer.. No Swim Beer for Lauren.. I told ya she's a beast LOL

So we end up riding the awesome drift back to shore and realize that we have just been the luckiest crew ever... The river was rough.. the rocks were plenty, but we made it.. and we made it together...

Lauren is the awesomest.. and I'll never forget her because she was definitely a part of the best day of my entire life!!! :-))

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